so...i guess we are engaged or something

i have noticed that bexy and i are having a lot of conversations that go like this:

bexy: i forgot to take my bc last night. i hope i dont get preggers.
me: that would be the worst.
bexy: the absolute worst... and impossible.
me: its happened before. that mary story haunts me. but maybe we should make some sort of pact. if either of us get knocked up the other one should try to get knocked up. then we can both have babies.
bexy: oh fun!
me: i know i am way excited. this is the best idea i have ever had.
bexy: also that way when i tell my mom and she is crying "NOOOOO WHY NOOOO" i can say "its ok. natali got pregnant so it just felt like the right thing to do."
me: yeah lets not tell my parents. hopefully they will just think i am getting fat and babysitting a lot. or i guess there is always my pretending to move out of the state plan...

this really isnt a scene out of juno because we arent 16 and we arent into adoption. well we arent into the giving end of adoption. there are some ideas regarding adoption in mormon culture that have always bothered me. for example i have encountered the general opinion that many mormons automatically assume that the motivations behind single people (or gays) adopting is selfishness whereas when married people adopt its a very giving and altruistic act. (i am assuming this attitude somehow stems from the emphasis on traditional family units but i cannot be sure of its origins). i dont think people are automatically better parents if they come in pairs.* in fact i dont understand logically how people can still buy into the belief that by virtue of being married people make better parents with so many examples of crappy parents around us who are married. my favorite part of juno was when jennifer garner's character decided to go through with the adoption on her own even though her husband split. my least favorite part was when they sang that song together at the end. anyway, i thought it was great that she adopted as a single.

*it should be noted that from my conversations regarding this matter i learned that although single parents cannot handle healthy, well adjusted children, they can effectively parent emotionally troubled or disabled and/or older children alone.
**no pacts or wills posted on this blog will be considered legally binding

if i forgive you all this

i recently self diagnosed myself as a person who tries to get away with as much as i can. it was self diagnosed because A) no one has ever told me this B) i have known myself for a long time and i consider myself "self aware" C) i was reviewing the questionnaire for the MMPI and i answered yes to questions such as "i like to get away with as much as i can."

for instance i went to a hearing on wednesday. i rarely go to hearings. litigation makes me nervous. anyway despite my nervousness about the whole situation i pushed snooze on my alarm even though i knew i would be late. then i put on something that wasnt a suit even though i knew i was supposed to wear a suit. then i showed up at the court house without reviewing the file and said this: (first of all the judge asked me what the status on the case was. i was instructed to say the following so i did):

me: your honor we dont object to the motion to dismiss but we would like it to be withOUT prejudice. (i practiced the without prejudice part because with prejudice sort of just rolls off my tongue).

opposing counsel: i didnt know there was a motion to dismiss before the court. i thought we were here for a motion to show cause.

me: (in my head) shit. thats all i had.
opposing counsel: however we wouldnt oppose a motion to dismiss.
judge: fine i will dismiss the case without prejudice.

i consider that a success. other things i try to get away with include avoiding my family on holidays, only having a "vague" idea of my flight itinerary, not washing my hair for a long time and napping outside.

everything isnt a puppy you know

this is my nephew. we let him eat pizza however he wants. we are pretty liberal like that. we still make him wear diapers. his parents dont plaster his picture on the internet for anyone to view so i took it upon myself to do so.

im sure glad we arent lovers

i have been home sick all week. i think whatever was left of my immune system has officially given up. obviously i have been watching a helluva lot of television. to cover up the wheezing sound from my chest. my favorite show was cool hand luke.

for obvious reasons.

while i was watching all this tv i saw a lot of commercials. one was for reeses peanut butter eggs so i bought some later. which proved to be a mistake. i ate two pieces and remembered i dont really like candy. also, i almost sent myself an edible arrangement.

but i didnt.

i dont like those carl jr commercials. they stress/gross me out. maybe its the ulcers talking but eating anything featured on a carls jr. commercial is not going to digest well and will most likely end in some sort of heart attack or other health risk. brian said that carl jr commercials are marketed to the men discussed in this article and arent marketed towards me at all. but why would a food commercial ever want to gross me out?

it seems wrong.

i wanted to put up a picture of toast. the best thing about being sick is my toast station. i set it up pretty early on (its right next to the cough syrup station). i like toast. sometimes with jam and sometimes with eggs. yesterday when arlo and i were eating dinner i noticed how we started talking about beer because the group next to us was and then the table next to us started talking about alcohol because we were. sometimes conversations are contagious. sort of like bronchitis. i hope i didnt contaminate anyone.

i probably did.

cant expect anyone to see anything in a civilian

sometimes blogs need pictures so i decided i would put up some pics of me and colls this weekend when she drove up from st george to do my hair.

we took this photo right after watching ANTM.

colls made me look so pretty.

so pretty.

the end.

patterns of pursuing the irrelevant

i was reasonably sure that the guys that changed my oil stole my brand new green forever 21 shirt. all i knew is that i had a green shirt in my laundry basket when i went into get an oil change then when i went home it was mysteriously gone. i carefully examined chain of custody and decided the shirt disappeared at the oil change place since i was at work the rest of the time. as a victim of a crime committed by a mechanic that didnt involve my car i was really confused. alone. scared. etc. i made up a pretty elaborate story that involved the oil changer guy forgetting his girlfriend's birthday and thinking maybe she would stop withholding sexually if he had some green shirt that actually fitted someone with a freakishly long torso. his girlfriend has a freakishly long torso as well (once i went to buy a pattern for a dress and the lady at the fabric store looked me up and down and measured my torso and told me to avoid anything with a waist due to my freakishly long torso. she didnt say freakish though. she may have thought it). anyway the shirt saved their relationship.

i got home and realized i had taken another green shirt.

heba called me with a moral dilemma when i solved the green shirt mystery. i am no authority on moral dilemmas. remember how i get average grades in ethic classes. my ethics professor asked me a question once and i answered and he said "nicole i think you should rethink things." i really have been rethinking things. anyway heba wanted to know if she should remove a birds nest from the gutter because her land lady asked her to clean them out. i answered no. killing baby birds is not in anyones rental contract. i like baby birds with their chirping and their little stick homes.

other creatures i like include: elephants, kittens, camels (their knees) and kangaroos.

people tell temps everything

my doctor called me nat today. i thought that was nice. some people call me nat and it sounds weird but other people say nat and its nice. he fell into the nice category.

last night i watched live free or die hard. which sometimes i call die free or live hard which makes it hard to find in blockbuster. i liked it. i spent most of the movie having a crush on trey (jonathon sadowski) and hoping he wouldnt die. i knew his odds werent great. but what can i say. the heart wants what it wants.

my boss was trying to tell me that democrats vote based on emotion and republicans and vote on logic. i guess thats how whoopi goldberg explained it anyway. i said i dont know about that because republicans vote for issues such as abortion and gay marriage on emotion. the conversation naturally went here:

boss: logically democrats should be ok with the death penalty for the mentally ill, juvenile murderers, and the mentally retarded because society would benefit. its a fortune keeping them incarcerated.
natali: we all know it costs more to appeal than incarcerate so dont even make that argument.
boss: well if they didnt get due process it would be cheaper.
natali: i think republicans secretly hate due process more than anything else. i understand. i dislike a lots of things in the constitution. but then i got to the commerce clause and it made it all better. anyway, i think thats why mitt romney said that there should be two guantanamo bays. he knows how much republicans hate due process. but its cool. i dont really believe in god given rights either.
boss: romney is a pansy for dropping out.
natali: gobama.

gobama.

my class action is going great. thanks.

if someone asked me (no one has) what the best romantic-religious comedy is i would probably say untamed heart. it is also one of the best movies for jeans (that i have ever seen). it really changed how i viewed denim. marissa tomei loved super tight jeans. well her did character anyway. i doubt jeans had as much stretch back then (1993) so its pretty damn impressive. in the untamed heart christian slater was raised by nuns at an orphanage. he had a lot of faith. but probably not as much faith as the lady in this case i read recently had:

In Hancock, a church promised the plaintiff that if she gave money to the church, the church would provider her with property and support, as well as certain religious benefits, including a face-to-face meeting with Jesus Christ. It further noted that the allegations of a face-to-face meeting with Jesus Christ conflicted with First Amendment principles because that allegation was entirely religious matter beyond the courts' ability to adjudicate. Hancock v. True & Living Church of the Last Days 2005 UT App 314, ¶17 n.2.

if someone asked me (no one has) what my favorite mexican restaurant was i would say red iguana. i like to go there on sundays. today arlo and i were discussing how they never play mexican music there. arlo said its because they rely on their food to sell their authenticity. red iguana is where we came up with our idea to genetically alter kosher pigs with no hooves. i wonder what other unclean animals we could clean up with science. i just read that giraffes are technically kosher. but that seems like it might be illegal. however, we would like to provide the jewish faithful with bacon. i am pretty sure it was inspired. and unadjudicatable.

i have strong feelings for the commerce clause

i have wanted to see me friend jl a lot lately. but she doesnt live here. in fact she doesnt live in this country. and i have always had a hard time calling internationally. the codes are tricky. if i miss someone enough i usually stop all contact anyway. but she doesnt know that and emailed me yesterday. excerpt:

That's not quite the word for it, but it is funnier and shorter than any other explanation....I think the grown-up world is a giant disappointment....There are relatively few decisions....It's a nice world for an indecisive little brute like me....What the hell am i doing that again for?...I was only able to understand it, though, because I've seen the movie so many times -- her diction is way above my head....I would probably be really disappointed that Elizabeth Bennett ended up with Mark Darcy and happy that Lydia landed Wickham and have no idea why it was even called Pride and Prejudice.

my attempt to respond:

did you know i am allergic to cats and dogs?
but i hate them independent of my allergy.

sometimes when i really miss people thats the best i can do.

yesterday i watched rachel ray make "comfort food." i dont know. she seemed a little down. she said that she used to work at macys and during the christmas season she worked long hours. she would come home and make soup at 1 in the morning and then put it outside her neighbors door because she was too tired to eat but she just wanted to cook something. i think maybe she is going through a secret divorce.

it snowed again today in utah. my paralegal told my boss it was because he kept praying for moisture. but he said thats not true at all and that he does his best to deplete the ozone in all the ways he can think of to increase the green house effect. he likes to help when he can.

i cant i am pregnant again

this is the gnome that lives in my break room. his finger is broken. someone keeps moving him. probably a ghost because who else would bother with such a thing? i have been firmly against gnomes and elves and possibly small trolls since my cousin d. told me about the movie cats eye which was the scariest movie plot my seven-year-old mind could comprehend.

other things that scare me:
1) ghosts in general but especially ghosts of prisoners or children
2) satan
3) mirrors
4) mirrors with ghosts or satan in the reflection
5) dolls
6) needles
7) skinwalkers
8) people that pick up hitch hikers. and then kill them.
9) large groups of children
10) knives
11) strangers
12) drugs
13) strangers doing drugs
14) ghosts in my shower and ghosts i am related to
15) ebola
16) insects that are fast or burrow

blanket statements made in the ninth grade

the actress who plays the ghost myrtle in harry potter who cries in the bathroom also plays a character in bridget jone's diary who cries in the bathroom. but in bridget jone's diary she isnt dead. this is just an observation and has nothing (that i know of) to do with my post.

this week i went to lunch with my parents. after our waitress took our order she sat down at a table near us occupied by a pregnant women with 2-3 young children.

waitress: so did you do the pregnancy test? (naturally i thought she meant the one that included urine and a pink plus sign).
pregnant woman: you mean the one with my wedding ring? of course.
waitress: did it turn out to be right?
pregnant woman: totally! it is a.....
mom: you are so great with kids natali. (apparently we had been having a conversation about my children skills. i am not surprised. we have been having that conversation a lot lately. but i wanted to hear more about the waitress and her attempts to figure out what sex her fetus is with her wedding ring).
natali: (begrudgingly) i really dont think i am that good with kids. i wish you would stop circulating family rumors that i am fantastic with children. people might start asking me to babysit...
mom: nonsense you are SO good with children. you love children. you are going to be so cute with your kids.
natali: love seems like a strong word for my feelings about most children. mostly i am glad i am not that lady. she has like three kids under 3 and she is pregnant again. i am overwhelmed by her diaper bag situation sans children. but i do admire how with the advent of sonograms she still utilizes the "ring" test.

(i am not above the ring test. i just believe in gender neutral baby clothing so i probably wont find out.)

speaking of kids my friend greg came into town. i have only hung out with him one other time. i think i really impressed him with my kid skills. we were playing uno at his house in california and his friend's six year old was there. it was the uno championship game and i could have thrown the whole thing and let the kid win because he was pretty close and he really wanted to. you know how kids love that stuff. but instead i laid down my green 4 and i think said "sucka" or something like that.

i was just hoping you would invite me to a sweat lodge

there are some things i wont spend money on. it stems from my childhood. i dont need therapy to figure that out. my dad didnt make alot of money and my mom insisted on that whole stay at home thing (i think our relationship would have improved if she had a full time job that wasnt me). anyway we only recently stopped asking my dad if we can order a soda when we go out to eat.

back to therapy. if you like to read about therapy try love's executioner. its one of my favorite books. and if you want to watch a good movie about therapy try sybil. its one of my favorite movies. however, even though i can barely pull myself out of bed and do anything productive (my crafting life is really suffering) because its 17 degrees i would never do a thing about it because therapy falls squarely into the category of things i would never pay money for.

so imagine my surprise when i got a letter from the utah bar that said they would pay for therapy if any attorney wanted to go. for as long as you want. for the following issues: family problems, stress, depression, anxiety, personal cash management difficulties, elder care challenges, assessment of drug/alcohol dependence, and any other issues impairing my work or personal life. and i know they are just doing it because they are afraid i will burn out and quit the profession and they will lose money. but i dont care. because i get free therapy.

but i dont know if i will go. it seems like too much work.

the way she said babe made me sad

i love the brothers. one more than the other but its like a barely more sort of thing.

they want to win the effing amazing race so they can stop working. its a noble goal. the old american dream was to get a job and work your way up. the new american dream is to try and not work and still be up. anyway it got me thinking about what i do everyday.

today:

alarm. pushed snooze. pushed snooze. pushed snooze.
put on a sweater vest.
drove for an hour and a half (car accident)(not me)(yet).
went to the state hospital for mental health commitment hearings.

how are the voices?
they are out level 4. i can live with that.

went to costco to buy my boss a birthday cake. he likes carrot. gross. texted fight to ask him if chocolate cake is ok even though carrot is the birthday boy's preference.

"its about celebrating the occasion and eating chocolate cake"

bought the chocolate cake. went to birthday party. office coffee crisis ensued:

boss: we have a coffee situation. the coffee smell is really strong. its like i am in juice and java.
natali: yeah i thought someone had come into my office and had a cup or pot or whatever the largest amount of coffee possible is yesterday.
paralegal 1: the new guy makes it very strong and often.
boss: what can be done? firing all the coffee drinkers seems extreme (but legal). can we buy some sort of anti odor coffee maker?
paralegal 2: oh yes bishop (my boss just got called as bishop) i would like to see you buying a new coffee maker.
boss: yes that would be frowned on...natali can buy it. she is liberal.
natali: i just googled it. they dont make them.
boss: i read a study that said if you drink coffee your chance of miscarriage goes way up.
file clerk: yeah and if you have an abortion your chance of having a premature baby goes up. having an abortion affects not one but two babies.
paralegal 2: that sounds like a bumper sticker.
natali: i hate bumper stickers.
boss: i am just saying maybe Joseph Smith was onto something...

you are calling about that subpoena?
yes. long pause.
you have a question?
yes. long pause.
please ask the question already.

played scrabble. checked blog, played scrabble.

long conversation about hate speech legislation and how i think the ACLU is intellectually dishonest. but who isnt.

scrabble.

lawyer in office: natali how are you on ethics?
natali: this seems like a trick question. but i got a B.

things we said on the way to a restaurant

i called my parents on sunday. i have sort of been avoiding them since christmas eve when i realized i could get away with things like not seeing them.

dad: hello how are you??? (i could actually hear three question marks)
natali: good. you?
dad: good is it snowing up there?
natali: no. (this is normally where i hang up but i really hung in there).
dad: so your new jeans came in the mail.
natali: do you like them?
dad: well from what i can tell they have really fancy pockets. i think i like them. those are some fancy pockets.
natali: i am really into fancy pockets. and horses.
dad: hmmm. (this is normally where he would hang up but he hung in there too).
natali: so how is mom?
dad: she had an allergy attack in relief society. someone must of had dog fur on their clothes.
natali: put her on the phone...mom i heard you had an allergy attack in relief society.
mom: it was horrible. its nice to hear your voice.
natali: thanks mom. ok i am going love you bye.
mom: love you bye.

confessional or something that resembles it

i might love ct.

i love ct.

bootleggers prefers to be called pirates. pirates dont have a preference. (more of an observation).

i have started to think things such as "if only life was like star trek and they had those healing zapper things and i could drink diet coke again."

i drink diet coke again.

"i bought more fabric. dont be mad."

i would rather kill mice than work with people. maybe not frogs. but i would be willing to try.

sometimes i get nervous to walk in memory grove because mark hacking said his wife went jogging there and never came back.

ps

did anyone else have a panic attack when heath ledger died? and not the OMG heath ledger died what a hunk kind but the more like the 9-11 of OMG anyone can die at anytime sort of panic attack? i sort of did. and you worry that you lived your whole life wrong and that you made ridiculous choices and that you could have been a better at a long list of things.

anyway, if you call in sick the next day it really helps.

i use sex as an icebreaker

so three people at work asked about my long weekend. the conversation went something like this...what did you do? sew? and me saying i do other shit. and yes.

when i woke up to the snow i knew i would stay in all day in my new bunny sweats that say whatever!, putter around the internet, and maybe sew something. anyway i looked at the closet and knew i had to do something. not finish the quilt hanging up there but instead i decided to make a new door. so i took out the plastic one (and i have the blisters to prove it) and sewed this one. (i didnt sew all those pieces together. that would have taken much longer than 29 minutes).

and here is a close up.

and then i made these matching curtains. i managed to finish these projects while watching karate kid I, II, and III. what i am trying to say is it was a great holiday.

ignoring whatever survival instincts i still have

when i was little (pre literacy) my favorite book was about an apartment building and the people that lived in each apartment. i asked my dad to check it out everytime he went to the library. even back then i just wanted to read the same books over and over. i liked how the occupants of the apartment building (they were all animals) lived together and understood each others living patterns. i was very curious about things you could learn about another person/family based solely on proximity. (for the record i didnt know the word proximity yet but i loved to look at the illustration of all the different apartments and who lived where and who did what and how that affected everyone else). my family just lived in a regular house. we lacked the intimacy with strangers that you can only gain through apartment living.

in my apartment building #4 likes country music, #6 smokes stinky pot ( alot of stinky pot), #1 has a dog, #12 has had sex at least once this year (actually it was twice but same night) and #13 likes korean food. anyway, these are just things i know because we all live really close to each other. #8 is my favorite. i know him because he is always outside smoking so we chat. he is friendly. which is probably why he made a good chauffeur. anyway i ran into him the other day while he was getting his mail.

#8: hey how are you doing?
natali: good. i noticed that your escalade is gone. are you still a chauffeur?
#8: well no i quit.
natali: oh no way. why?
#8: oh well maybe i got fired...some clients didnt like what i had to say.
natali: what did you say? (i realize now this is none of my business. i didnt realize that at the time).
#8: well there was a client who hates mormons, especially missionaries. i picked him put last week and he started going off about mormons...

client:i hate missionaries. i mean what are they even thinking? especially senior missionaries, they should be enjoying the best time of their lives not on missions.
#8: my parents are in the MTC right now actually.
client: your parents are f*$&ing idiots.
#8: f*#& you. suck dick. f*$&# you.

#8: so he called my boss and i got fired.
natali: what a jerk. im sorry.
#8: its ok. that job made it impossible to sleep.
natali: tell me about it. apparently after six months of heavily using ambien i built up something of a tolerance to all forms of sleep aids....

my mom always said in small towns you dont "live on top of each other" which is how she describes city living. its funny. i kind of like living on top of each other.

saving myself and the movie

i dont participate in the interactive church meetings too often. i end up changing my mind about positions a lot and/or worrying about how my opinions will go over. plus i get nervous. instead i focus on improving my suduko skills and playing MASH. however, a couple of weeks ago i offered to read because my row (you know who you are) was being particularly noisy and i was guilted into volunteering. anyway this was the verse i read:

"Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds." Revelation 2:22.

i left out them and maybe that. which made me think God was threatening to commit adultery with Jezebel (she was the women in the scripture) if people didnt repent. for five minutes i reevaluated my entire concept of God and almost changed my mind about the whole damn thing.

i mean its such an honor

i finished another quilt. this one is for my friend colls. for her birthday. last october.

its a pin wheel design.

they bonded right away.

although i like this quilt a lot it is not my greatest achievement of late. i dont know if you knew (i didnt until sugarcube informed me) that my profile on the linkup is (approximately) 71 on the most viewed profiles ever list. i mean we are talking linkup history (maybe i have no idea how this works). currently my views are at 7164. while watching magnolia with clay i went up 6 views and managed to pass leesy. i am convinced its because i talk about jimmy carter.