i dont want to talk about trees anymore

i think i tend to whine and be on the needy side of emotional. i also like to think most people dont know this besides a handful of selected friends and my immediate family. my cousins probably have their suspicions.

anyway, sometimes i get extra whiny and emotional. possibly based on the lunar cycle. i find that someone telling me i am pretty (and if convenient a nice head pat) makes me feel better. however, who best to do to this? clearly not my mom whom although full of unconditional love is not full of unconditional compliments. and it had to be someone on google chat because i am out of minutes. so obviously i turn to my best friend bexy who is very patient and reassuring and whom i have horded enough of her possessions that she wouldnt dare not answer my phone calls. or in this case my google chat.

so bexy had her hands full today. i estimate at least 75 minutes of me saying "im fugly*" "my body is too flat and compact" and "no man in the world could possibly be attracted to me." she did her best to cheer me up by perving on me over IM (and doing an excellent job) when my forced compliment conversation with bexy (and just when i was about to move on to my personality flaws) was interrupted by a man (a seventy-year-old man) who works in my office. he walked by and did a double take. then he proceeded to tell me how much he liked my new hair cut and color. for a long time. so long i am going to start looking over my shoulder when i walk to my car.

what can i say it felt good.

also my landlord likes my hair. i know because i accidentally sent him pictures of it and he responded that he liked my new do and wanted to know if i could re-sign my lease.

i said yes.

*im not sure if the word fugly was used. but i thought it. and i like to say it. so maybe i did.

the power is out. why am i alive?

how is my stomach lining doing? i dont mean to be a baby about this but i still have holes and i cant drink diet coke. for the record i have only had 5 diet cokes since February 28. that is only 60 ounces of diet coke. but this is what i have come to learn.

i love it.

it tastes like dirt.

how come i never noticed that dirt taste before? i drank one today. i let it sit in my mouth while it defizzed. it was either my enamel or my stomach and i choose my stomach. i dont know why. my teeth are great and my stomach is the shits. i should try and preserve my good assets.

enough about my internal angst.

a sister missionary told me a joke today. she said in pageants in the philippines the judges ask the contestants what their favorite color is and one girl said fuchsia and then they asked her how to spell it and she said actually i think my favorite color is red. it wasnt a very good joke and i probably wouldnt convert based on it but i thought i was nice for her to try.

oh and i am already mormon.

i got my molars early in life

my family made a time capsule. we didnt bother waiting until trevor was born. but to be fair we didnt know he was going to be. i have a pretty distinct memory of being sad when i grew out of this dress. you might not be able to see how great it is but it had watermelons and cotton lace which i knew at a young age was a rare but wonderful combination.

i have nothing else to say.

the pros and cons of division

mothers day conversations:

i told becky if i was a ghost i might watch people having sex. she called me a dirt bag.

during a walk with my mom in which she told me i was both too picky and didnt have high enough standards (i couldnt get to the bottom of that).

i told my mom was i very impressed with my cousins crafting and sewing abilities and she said she was surprised she was so good. and i asked why and she said because my cousin couldnt crawl until she was one (i couldnt get to the bottom of that either).

my nephews awesome outfit AND his first directed question at me. he said "nally dhigh sieh dhgishhh puppy?" (i think the question had to do with a puppy. i told him i was allergic.).

my mothers attempt to clarify our previous conversation where she told me boys arent perfect and something else about standards (i dont remember it because i was reading an article on the trial of korihor. it was pretty boring.).

i told my mom i wouldnt decorate her grave because i knew she wouldnt be there (or appreciate it). she said thats true but i will be watching you. i told her she had better close her eyes.

my dad asked if i had a seventy two hour kit and i said no and that if there was a natural disaster i planned on dying and he said he figured as much.

i told becky about my mom perving on me when she was dead and becky reminded me about how i said four hours prior to this conversation i said i would watch people having sex if i was a ghost. touche.

a woman of letters

oh yeah becky and i made pretty great easter baskets this year. i forgot about them until just now.

i got this email recently

subject: the intelligencia
message: is on to you.
act now, but be safe.

r.

thanks r. did you mean intelligensia? you know me (do you?) i dont care about spelling. spelling is so confining (dont you think?) and i am the laziest writer i know. anyway i am not sure the distinction is important but i cant google anything about the intelligencia so maybe it doesnt exist. either way i doubt they are onto me. and i am always safe. for example i never talk to strangers and i try not to eat preservatives.

its funny because someone wanted to set me up with someone they knew so they told me to check out his blog. maybe blogging is the new e harmony. the conversation went something like this:

someone: i have someone i want to set you up with!
me: really
someone: yes. its perfect...he is an attorney
me: uh huh
someone: he likes to travel and is super outdoorsy
me: hmm
someone: he likes to make pottery
me: really! i like boys who like crafts
someone: ummm

heaven is a large and interesting place

may may may may may may may. i hope you arent as cruel.

agent cooper woke up from a dream chewing on his earplug. he dreamt it tasted like gross candy. that happened to me once. its nice to know i am not the only person that has happened to even if the other person is fictional.

speaking of fictional characters i thought i saw a ghost at a church while i was doing yoga. i only thought it was a ghost because the figure looked smudgy in the dark. and on the way in i noticed a car with a vanity plate that said "DIE". i was complaining about dying earlier and b said he would be sad if i did but he was excited to get started on the natali memorial quilt. i should probably teach him how to sew because you never know. in fact i can help you get started on it (and by you i mean b)(or really anyone sewing a quilt in my memory) because i have lots of fabric i need to use up.

speaking of quilts i really like these ones.

updates and downtakes

i got a pedicure on saturday and my foot kept touching the breasts of the korean girl who was giving me the pedicure. i wasnt sure if i should say anything but it did take my mind off whether or not this was a sweat shop and if i should tip in cash for awhile.

i no longer have a crush on the boy who works at the soup place and will no longer be referring to him as "my boyfriend."

partly the problem was that i dont know korean.

i really loved step up 2: the streets. which is why i kept saying i love this movie sooooo much every five minutes and in even shorter intervals never the end.

maybe i broke up with soup place guy because i am dating the guy i might buy a bike from on craigs list. he did ask me to coffee and i know he likes sleeping in and this american life. sounds like a relationship to me.

seriously i love dance offs. they are my favorite offs ever.

it is terrible doug

thing(s) that didnt work today:
1) sneaking mcdonalds sundaes into the movie (melting will occur within two blocks)

so i made this new boy quilt. lee, lisa, b and i played pick out your favorite fabric in the boy quilt. its a pretty short game but if you have five minutes it can be fun. like on a date you want to end quickly you play pick your favorite fabric and then walk them to the door.

my mom called me tonight and said "we are in salt lake at a reunion. dont call us." what i like about my mom is she is brief, mysterious and there is never small talk or salutations. this message was a great follow up to our phone call on monday which went as follows: "your dad is the hospital. he is having something done. just thought you should know."

so...i guess we are engaged or something

i have noticed that bexy and i are having a lot of conversations that go like this:

bexy: i forgot to take my bc last night. i hope i dont get preggers.
me: that would be the worst.
bexy: the absolute worst... and impossible.
me: its happened before. that mary story haunts me. but maybe we should make some sort of pact. if either of us get knocked up the other one should try to get knocked up. then we can both have babies.
bexy: oh fun!
me: i know i am way excited. this is the best idea i have ever had.
bexy: also that way when i tell my mom and she is crying "NOOOOO WHY NOOOO" i can say "its ok. natali got pregnant so it just felt like the right thing to do."
me: yeah lets not tell my parents. hopefully they will just think i am getting fat and babysitting a lot. or i guess there is always my pretending to move out of the state plan...

this really isnt a scene out of juno because we arent 16 and we arent into adoption. well we arent into the giving end of adoption. there are some ideas regarding adoption in mormon culture that have always bothered me. for example i have encountered the general opinion that many mormons automatically assume that the motivations behind single people (or gays) adopting is selfishness whereas when married people adopt its a very giving and altruistic act. (i am assuming this attitude somehow stems from the emphasis on traditional family units but i cannot be sure of its origins). i dont think people are automatically better parents if they come in pairs.* in fact i dont understand logically how people can still buy into the belief that by virtue of being married people make better parents with so many examples of crappy parents around us who are married. my favorite part of juno was when jennifer garner's character decided to go through with the adoption on her own even though her husband split. my least favorite part was when they sang that song together at the end. anyway, i thought it was great that she adopted as a single.

*it should be noted that from my conversations regarding this matter i learned that although single parents cannot handle healthy, well adjusted children, they can effectively parent emotionally troubled or disabled and/or older children alone.
**no pacts or wills posted on this blog will be considered legally binding

if i forgive you all this

i recently self diagnosed myself as a person who tries to get away with as much as i can. it was self diagnosed because A) no one has ever told me this B) i have known myself for a long time and i consider myself "self aware" C) i was reviewing the questionnaire for the MMPI and i answered yes to questions such as "i like to get away with as much as i can."

for instance i went to a hearing on wednesday. i rarely go to hearings. litigation makes me nervous. anyway despite my nervousness about the whole situation i pushed snooze on my alarm even though i knew i would be late. then i put on something that wasnt a suit even though i knew i was supposed to wear a suit. then i showed up at the court house without reviewing the file and said this: (first of all the judge asked me what the status on the case was. i was instructed to say the following so i did):

me: your honor we dont object to the motion to dismiss but we would like it to be withOUT prejudice. (i practiced the without prejudice part because with prejudice sort of just rolls off my tongue).

opposing counsel: i didnt know there was a motion to dismiss before the court. i thought we were here for a motion to show cause.

me: (in my head) shit. thats all i had.
opposing counsel: however we wouldnt oppose a motion to dismiss.
judge: fine i will dismiss the case without prejudice.

i consider that a success. other things i try to get away with include avoiding my family on holidays, only having a "vague" idea of my flight itinerary, not washing my hair for a long time and napping outside.

everything isnt a puppy you know

this is my nephew. we let him eat pizza however he wants. we are pretty liberal like that. we still make him wear diapers. his parents dont plaster his picture on the internet for anyone to view so i took it upon myself to do so.

im sure glad we arent lovers

i have been home sick all week. i think whatever was left of my immune system has officially given up. obviously i have been watching a helluva lot of television. to cover up the wheezing sound from my chest. my favorite show was cool hand luke.

for obvious reasons.

while i was watching all this tv i saw a lot of commercials. one was for reeses peanut butter eggs so i bought some later. which proved to be a mistake. i ate two pieces and remembered i dont really like candy. also, i almost sent myself an edible arrangement.

but i didnt.

i dont like those carl jr commercials. they stress/gross me out. maybe its the ulcers talking but eating anything featured on a carls jr. commercial is not going to digest well and will most likely end in some sort of heart attack or other health risk. brian said that carl jr commercials are marketed to the men discussed in this article and arent marketed towards me at all. but why would a food commercial ever want to gross me out?

it seems wrong.

i wanted to put up a picture of toast. the best thing about being sick is my toast station. i set it up pretty early on (its right next to the cough syrup station). i like toast. sometimes with jam and sometimes with eggs. yesterday when arlo and i were eating dinner i noticed how we started talking about beer because the group next to us was and then the table next to us started talking about alcohol because we were. sometimes conversations are contagious. sort of like bronchitis. i hope i didnt contaminate anyone.

i probably did.

cant expect anyone to see anything in a civilian

sometimes blogs need pictures so i decided i would put up some pics of me and colls this weekend when she drove up from st george to do my hair.

we took this photo right after watching ANTM.

colls made me look so pretty.

so pretty.

the end.

patterns of pursuing the irrelevant

i was reasonably sure that the guys that changed my oil stole my brand new green forever 21 shirt. all i knew is that i had a green shirt in my laundry basket when i went into get an oil change then when i went home it was mysteriously gone. i carefully examined chain of custody and decided the shirt disappeared at the oil change place since i was at work the rest of the time. as a victim of a crime committed by a mechanic that didnt involve my car i was really confused. alone. scared. etc. i made up a pretty elaborate story that involved the oil changer guy forgetting his girlfriend's birthday and thinking maybe she would stop withholding sexually if he had some green shirt that actually fitted someone with a freakishly long torso. his girlfriend has a freakishly long torso as well (once i went to buy a pattern for a dress and the lady at the fabric store looked me up and down and measured my torso and told me to avoid anything with a waist due to my freakishly long torso. she didnt say freakish though. she may have thought it). anyway the shirt saved their relationship.

i got home and realized i had taken another green shirt.

heba called me with a moral dilemma when i solved the green shirt mystery. i am no authority on moral dilemmas. remember how i get average grades in ethic classes. my ethics professor asked me a question once and i answered and he said "nicole i think you should rethink things." i really have been rethinking things. anyway heba wanted to know if she should remove a birds nest from the gutter because her land lady asked her to clean them out. i answered no. killing baby birds is not in anyones rental contract. i like baby birds with their chirping and their little stick homes.

other creatures i like include: elephants, kittens, camels (their knees) and kangaroos.

people tell temps everything

my doctor called me nat today. i thought that was nice. some people call me nat and it sounds weird but other people say nat and its nice. he fell into the nice category.

last night i watched live free or die hard. which sometimes i call die free or live hard which makes it hard to find in blockbuster. i liked it. i spent most of the movie having a crush on trey (jonathon sadowski) and hoping he wouldnt die. i knew his odds werent great. but what can i say. the heart wants what it wants.

my boss was trying to tell me that democrats vote based on emotion and republicans and vote on logic. i guess thats how whoopi goldberg explained it anyway. i said i dont know about that because republicans vote for issues such as abortion and gay marriage on emotion. the conversation naturally went here:

boss: logically democrats should be ok with the death penalty for the mentally ill, juvenile murderers, and the mentally retarded because society would benefit. its a fortune keeping them incarcerated.
natali: we all know it costs more to appeal than incarcerate so dont even make that argument.
boss: well if they didnt get due process it would be cheaper.
natali: i think republicans secretly hate due process more than anything else. i understand. i dislike a lots of things in the constitution. but then i got to the commerce clause and it made it all better. anyway, i think thats why mitt romney said that there should be two guantanamo bays. he knows how much republicans hate due process. but its cool. i dont really believe in god given rights either.
boss: romney is a pansy for dropping out.
natali: gobama.

gobama.

my class action is going great. thanks.

if someone asked me (no one has) what the best romantic-religious comedy is i would probably say untamed heart. it is also one of the best movies for jeans (that i have ever seen). it really changed how i viewed denim. marissa tomei loved super tight jeans. well her did character anyway. i doubt jeans had as much stretch back then (1993) so its pretty damn impressive. in the untamed heart christian slater was raised by nuns at an orphanage. he had a lot of faith. but probably not as much faith as the lady in this case i read recently had:

In Hancock, a church promised the plaintiff that if she gave money to the church, the church would provider her with property and support, as well as certain religious benefits, including a face-to-face meeting with Jesus Christ. It further noted that the allegations of a face-to-face meeting with Jesus Christ conflicted with First Amendment principles because that allegation was entirely religious matter beyond the courts' ability to adjudicate. Hancock v. True & Living Church of the Last Days 2005 UT App 314, ¶17 n.2.

if someone asked me (no one has) what my favorite mexican restaurant was i would say red iguana. i like to go there on sundays. today arlo and i were discussing how they never play mexican music there. arlo said its because they rely on their food to sell their authenticity. red iguana is where we came up with our idea to genetically alter kosher pigs with no hooves. i wonder what other unclean animals we could clean up with science. i just read that giraffes are technically kosher. but that seems like it might be illegal. however, we would like to provide the jewish faithful with bacon. i am pretty sure it was inspired. and unadjudicatable.

i have strong feelings for the commerce clause

i have wanted to see me friend jl a lot lately. but she doesnt live here. in fact she doesnt live in this country. and i have always had a hard time calling internationally. the codes are tricky. if i miss someone enough i usually stop all contact anyway. but she doesnt know that and emailed me yesterday. excerpt:

That's not quite the word for it, but it is funnier and shorter than any other explanation....I think the grown-up world is a giant disappointment....There are relatively few decisions....It's a nice world for an indecisive little brute like me....What the hell am i doing that again for?...I was only able to understand it, though, because I've seen the movie so many times -- her diction is way above my head....I would probably be really disappointed that Elizabeth Bennett ended up with Mark Darcy and happy that Lydia landed Wickham and have no idea why it was even called Pride and Prejudice.

my attempt to respond:

did you know i am allergic to cats and dogs?
but i hate them independent of my allergy.

sometimes when i really miss people thats the best i can do.

yesterday i watched rachel ray make "comfort food." i dont know. she seemed a little down. she said that she used to work at macys and during the christmas season she worked long hours. she would come home and make soup at 1 in the morning and then put it outside her neighbors door because she was too tired to eat but she just wanted to cook something. i think maybe she is going through a secret divorce.

it snowed again today in utah. my paralegal told my boss it was because he kept praying for moisture. but he said thats not true at all and that he does his best to deplete the ozone in all the ways he can think of to increase the green house effect. he likes to help when he can.

i cant i am pregnant again

this is the gnome that lives in my break room. his finger is broken. someone keeps moving him. probably a ghost because who else would bother with such a thing? i have been firmly against gnomes and elves and possibly small trolls since my cousin d. told me about the movie cats eye which was the scariest movie plot my seven-year-old mind could comprehend.

other things that scare me:
1) ghosts in general but especially ghosts of prisoners or children
2) satan
3) mirrors
4) mirrors with ghosts or satan in the reflection
5) dolls
6) needles
7) skinwalkers
8) people that pick up hitch hikers. and then kill them.
9) large groups of children
10) knives
11) strangers
12) drugs
13) strangers doing drugs
14) ghosts in my shower and ghosts i am related to
15) ebola
16) insects that are fast or burrow

blanket statements made in the ninth grade

the actress who plays the ghost myrtle in harry potter who cries in the bathroom also plays a character in bridget jone's diary who cries in the bathroom. but in bridget jone's diary she isnt dead. this is just an observation and has nothing (that i know of) to do with my post.

this week i went to lunch with my parents. after our waitress took our order she sat down at a table near us occupied by a pregnant women with 2-3 young children.

waitress: so did you do the pregnancy test? (naturally i thought she meant the one that included urine and a pink plus sign).
pregnant woman: you mean the one with my wedding ring? of course.
waitress: did it turn out to be right?
pregnant woman: totally! it is a.....
mom: you are so great with kids natali. (apparently we had been having a conversation about my children skills. i am not surprised. we have been having that conversation a lot lately. but i wanted to hear more about the waitress and her attempts to figure out what sex her fetus is with her wedding ring).
natali: (begrudgingly) i really dont think i am that good with kids. i wish you would stop circulating family rumors that i am fantastic with children. people might start asking me to babysit...
mom: nonsense you are SO good with children. you love children. you are going to be so cute with your kids.
natali: love seems like a strong word for my feelings about most children. mostly i am glad i am not that lady. she has like three kids under 3 and she is pregnant again. i am overwhelmed by her diaper bag situation sans children. but i do admire how with the advent of sonograms she still utilizes the "ring" test.

(i am not above the ring test. i just believe in gender neutral baby clothing so i probably wont find out.)

speaking of kids my friend greg came into town. i have only hung out with him one other time. i think i really impressed him with my kid skills. we were playing uno at his house in california and his friend's six year old was there. it was the uno championship game and i could have thrown the whole thing and let the kid win because he was pretty close and he really wanted to. you know how kids love that stuff. but instead i laid down my green 4 and i think said "sucka" or something like that.

i was just hoping you would invite me to a sweat lodge

there are some things i wont spend money on. it stems from my childhood. i dont need therapy to figure that out. my dad didnt make alot of money and my mom insisted on that whole stay at home thing (i think our relationship would have improved if she had a full time job that wasnt me). anyway we only recently stopped asking my dad if we can order a soda when we go out to eat.

back to therapy. if you like to read about therapy try love's executioner. its one of my favorite books. and if you want to watch a good movie about therapy try sybil. its one of my favorite movies. however, even though i can barely pull myself out of bed and do anything productive (my crafting life is really suffering) because its 17 degrees i would never do a thing about it because therapy falls squarely into the category of things i would never pay money for.

so imagine my surprise when i got a letter from the utah bar that said they would pay for therapy if any attorney wanted to go. for as long as you want. for the following issues: family problems, stress, depression, anxiety, personal cash management difficulties, elder care challenges, assessment of drug/alcohol dependence, and any other issues impairing my work or personal life. and i know they are just doing it because they are afraid i will burn out and quit the profession and they will lose money. but i dont care. because i get free therapy.

but i dont know if i will go. it seems like too much work.