hottub ramblings

ok this is why i really like my mac. photobooth. friday night we went to go sushi which has the yummiest squid seaweed salad i have ever had. me and alma and the waitress think they might put crack in it because that would explain the cravings. and then we rented akeelah and the bee but we didnt watch it. instead we sat around and took pictures of ourselves on the mac. heidi has been practicing pouty lips. but so far all she has mastered is looking off into the distance. but that one can be pretty hard. anyway that was my favorite part of the night.

after that we went hottubbing with some boys that are 22 and 23. they were ok. i liked the 23 year old best because he wanted to play a hottub game and i love those. i dont know why. i usually hate games. but anyway what i am nervous about is my age defining me. i have been nervous about that for awhile. i am still working through my thoughts on this. the twenty two year old in the hottub said that age didnt mean anything and it was all about your focus in life (he asked me if i looked forward to having kids and playing with them and i said no and he said my stock went down. i lack the right focus) but i disagreed and said age meant everything but then said i didnt want to be defined by it. which seems contradictory. i attribute his narrow mindedness and black and white judgments on values to his age. so why cant he attribute the fact that i am moderately scared of having children and think about career stuff and my mild dissatisfaction with the world to my age. anyway. i guess what i decided in the end is that your experiences define you more than anything else. and with age you just have more. so in a way age defines you. but not in a way that i think everyone else thinks. is that right? because some people can have relatively the same experiences over and over and in the end not be changed by age. maybe that is impossible. i dont know.

also i dont think interests define you. which is why i have stopped answering those questions to a large degree. my friend will is 21 and he told me my favorite movie would determine if we have a future (we dont but its not because of a movie). anyway the problem i find with trying to define people by their interests and dislikes is i dont get what it says about people anymore or anyway. like if i say dumb and dumber is my favorite movie and i hate camping what does that mean? i dont think it means anything. but apparently its enough for some people to determine our eternal compatibility. anyway i am mostly just worried about my age defining me in ways that i didnt anticipate and probably dont accept. its like the lawyer thing. i hate when people find out what i do because i feel like it has little to nothing to do with who i am but in the end it dictates the approach to every conversation i have with people and majority of the assumptions they have about me.

i have always wanted to die around 77 which is why this article makes me kind of nervous. i believe the speculations of that little old asian man. they made fire works like forever before everyone else. they KNOW stuff.