vampires like it windy

it was only recently i realized my mom wanted me to marry my little brother (to be fair i am sure its subconscious). it was the same day i realized i probably dont have a ghost. actually both those things happened today.

i thought i had a ghost. its a long story (its short but you the reader wouldnt think i had a ghost if i told you so i am not even going to bother telling you why i thought my apartment was haunted lets just say for 4 days i was sure it was). i never talked to the ghost but i talked about it on the phone in my apartment so i figured it knew how i felt about it living there. its passive aggressive i know and i feel kind of bad about that. but now that i dont think i have a ghost i feel less bad.

speaking of passive aggressive my mom has decided that i am not married because her friend thinks i am too picky. she said her temple friend sui ying thought that was why i wasnt married (for the record i have never met sui ying). my guess is my mom thinks i am too picky. the conversation went like this:

mom: sui ying thinks you are being too picky
me: huh.
mom: you need to give boys a chance. say he is 5'8'' to 5'10'' that doesnt mean you cant date.
me: i am sorry. i will try to be more tolerant of that height range.
mom: i dont know and he could be 26. just because he is only 26 doesnt mean you shouldnt date him.
me: (in my head: what in the world)
mom: and he can be shy. give the shy boys a chance.
me: are you talking about trevor (my little brother)
trevor: kind of sounds like she is
natali: i dont think we should get married (to trevor)
trevor: i did check you out once. but i didnt know it was you. but i did think you were cute.
natali: thanks.

i really like fireworks

for the fourth of july my mom made trifle which is a nice traditional british dessert. to make it more american she adds an american flag and doubles the strawberries and blueberries.

the problem with the 4th is that we all wake up and go see the hot air balloons take off in provo but they do this at 6 in the morning. my mom really likes to go see them and we all really like my mom. however, i question any holiday activity that starts earlier than i have to wake up for work. i also question any holiday activity that is dumb. just kidding i dont.

i made my family help tie my quilt. my sister in law said she wanted me to help her make a quilt out of american flags. this is how the conversation went.
sister in law: natali i have the cutest idea
natali: i love cute ideas. i am such a sucker.
sister in law: i saw some really cute flag material
natali: i love flags. flag day is the best. dont you think flag day is the best?
sister in law: flag day?
natali: is there anymore diet coke?
sister in law: anyway my cute idea is that i am going to get a lot of prints of flags and piece them together in squares
natali: what kind of flags?
sister in law: america
natali: all american flags?
sister in law: yes.
natali: squares?
sister in law: yes
natali (in my head): i dont really like this idea. maybe a better idea is to find flags and quilt those. that is something i would be into. i wonder if that is illegal. because it would probably touch the ground. which is worse flag burning or flag quilting? or you could make a quilt that was one giant flag. probably an african one. or lots of little flags in each patch. ooo little flags.
sister in law: so do you like my idea?
natali: yeah its a pretty good idea. lets make it a small quilt. a nice throw.

nothing says happy fathers day like green beans

i made fathers day dinner at my place for my dad this year. this was the menu: company chicken (its the kind with corned beef and bacon) and then green beans with olive oil and garlic, mashed potatoes, rolls and salad and my dad accidentally drank a mountain dew in the fridge. this was the conversation.
natali: dad thats mountain dew
dad: natali i know
natali: dad that has caffeine
dad: thats ok
natali: dad are you going to get wired?
dad: yes
natali: (this part is just in my head) dad do you know what it means to be wired? what else does he know about...but i didnt press the issue because i bet my mom was uncomfortable with all that caffeine talk.

i decided i have put too much time into my apartment to ever consider moving. fortunately i learned i can comfortably fit five adults and a toddler around my coffee table. i sat on a stool by myself. i am sort of the least favorite. or the slowest to try and secure a good spot at the coffee table.

so now i am watching a lot like love now. the plot is that amanda peet has to have sex with someone after every break up to make sure she still has it and that person is always ashton kucher. they spit on each other in a chinese restaurant in between the sex. so yeah its a pretty good show i recommend it.

i do like to bedazzle....

so i got a letter from the future yesterday. it was addressed to my non-existent daughter. who is living at my parents address. does this mean i still live with my mom? this living at home thing is getting out of hand. i know its illegal but i decided to open the letter because maybe she won a sweepstakes. anyway i knew she would forgive me when she was born. and learned how to talk. and grew up and i couldnt afford to send her to college and then i would say good thing we have that sweepstakes money. that will show her. this could be the answer to my prayers. in the future.

wrong. it was someone trying to trick my hypothetical child into a beauty pageant so peds can perv on her and she can grow up with a poor self esteem, body dysporhia, an eating disorder AND probably a preoccupation with her breasts and sequins. but i am not sure on those last ones. but probably. anyway, i threw the letter away.


so against my better judgment i went to a book sale today. and i bought my future kid a book. why not people are sending her mail and she will need to know how to read. i bought her this one. its about a man named oliver. he is made out of wood. anyway he is trying to get to california. its a real page turner.

there was a letter (there are a bunch of letters throughout the book) from Salt Lake City dated July 4 (my favorite holiday. beside the point) and it was from melissa tso who is miss utah (but not really its a woman named heather something) who is complaining about having to wave to kids while riding in a convertible going 5 miles per hour but is inspired by our friend oliver. poor miss utah. what are the odds a book about oliver woodman has anything to do with pageants in utah? its probably a sign that my child is going to revolutionalize the pageantry world. anyway i also bought babies in the bible and the princess and the pea.

lets make it work tonight

Dear EC:

Maybe you care about my gene pool and I don't really blame you. So here is my nephew. He has been our only attempt so far so you don't have a lot to go on. I am really sorry about that. No one else has expressed much interest in reproducing. But I can tell you this much, my family has been plagued with hayfever, allergies to fur, and eczema for generations. Furthermore, no one in my family has ever won a spelling bee and our eyesight is hit and miss. I wouldn't say we are super athletic but Grandpa played college ball and I won third place in the 50 meter race in the fifth grade. Anyway EC if you want kind of skinny kids with bad grammar and skin diseases you know where to look. I have to go finish watching Gilmore Girls. I sort of think Luke is Lorelei's EC. Do you think that too? Talk to you later (for eternity).

Love,

Natali

i am glad easter involves ham

today in sunday school i thought it would be fun to try and guess what was in lee's easter basket. it was ok because i had that lesson last week. his mom ended up using pink grass. but i think everything else was about right.

after church i went over to the 21 year old's house. these were the contents of his easter basket. law school books, knives (4 to 5) and candy. his dad did his easter basket this year.

this was the last really good easter i had. i made a killing that year. you cant see it but there are a helluva lot of eggs in that basket. it was also the last time i had awesome gray velcro shoes. easter 84, i think of you often.

thanks mom

this is what my mom made me in enrichment. i think my favorite part was when i actually thought oh i am glad she spelled my name right....but my second favorite part is the fact i have a cooking pan with my name on it.

me and the bean

the bean loves diet coke. sometimes i think its because he loves me. he primarily sees diet coke when he sees me and when he sees me its always with a diet coke can in hand. how could he not associate the two? i would do a venn diagram to show you how it all works but the problem is i was am so bad at venn diagrams. i never knew where to draw the sometimes lines. that being said i love venn diagrams. also this is probably another reason why i should never babysit small to medium sized children. they end up with aspartame addictions and a collection of those annoying coke polar bears.

shake it up

here are my parents. they are probably thinking of my future. it makes them nervous i think. maybe it comes from the fact they are pretty sure i am never going to get married. i have always had this problem telling my parents about the dating/boy sphere in my life so i think they assume that no such sphere exists. once my grandma announced to the whole family she was pretty sure i liked girls and not boys since i never brought boys around. leave it up to grams to start circulating lesbian rumors. anyway, last night i decided i was going to make serious and unprecedented efforts to communicate with my parents about boys. so when i saw an opportunity to discuss i took it. here was how the conversation went: (picture me really nervous and walking away)

mom: natali did you go out to eat last night?
me: no mom i went to see a boy
my dad from downstairs: a boy?
mom: yes she said boy B-O-Y
dad: who?
mom: i am scared to ask
me: (i was scared too)

that was it. ground breaking i know.

dead person quilt

i am taking a poll. how creepy is it on a scale from one to ten to make a quilt made from you dead grandparents clothing. and if it isnt creepy is there a chance it will encourage hauntings or visitations, both of which i am against.

dont get my dad a birthday balloon. he wont say anything but he thinks its a waste of money.

this is how hayden says happy birthday grandpa

in our family we like to go out to eat at sizzler. that explains the look on trevor's face. oh actually me sticking my finger in trevors ear right before i took this picture explains the look on trevor's face.
i didnt get my dad a birthday present. i am not sure what to give him. my mom said her favorite presents from me include no longer calling her carolyn and taking out my belly button ring. i call my dad dad and i am fresh out of body piercings. fortunately i finally have money and no longer have to resort to gifts of love. anyway my mom has a pretty good sense of humor. its good because she lies about things that arent funny to people that dont know her and then she acts like they have an inside joke. for example:

w (waitress): who has the dr. pepper?
c: thats mine but put it here (indicating trevor's spot who actually ordered the dr. pepper and then smiling knowingly at w)

this is funny because my mom doesnt drink caffeine and thinks its morally wrong to do so and so she thinks the waitress will think that its funny that she said it was hers. she has lots of good jokes like that.

although it was my new years resolution not to swear in front of my family i accidentally said shit (there was an incident with shrimp). my mom said i wasnt raised around that word. not that i pointed it out but technically thats not true. my grandpa said shit all the time (so i am guessing she was also raised with that word). anyway, does she remember when i was 7 i decided shit wasnt a swear word and that i wanted to use it. after i got my mouth washed out like five times with soap i decided that even if i didnt think it was a swear (i was wrong) i had better stop using it. it was fun while it lasted. but it reminded me of how much i liked that word in the second grade.

anyway i thought it might be good to go on a little walk after the swear overhear. hayden and i sported pretty good foot wear. i have some new pink moccasins and hayden has some new blue flip flops. we walked around sizzler so everyone could enjoy our kicks while they enjoyed their cheese toast. i know i enjoyed both those things. yet another successful family night out.

i am loving the daylight i am saving

i was instructed to find a boyfriend before this kid turns one.

yeah i changed my blogs name. i should probably just explain it now so that the three people who read this can stop scratching their heads (that is a term for when you are confused right? my dad and i were watching fatal attraction murder mystery on tv and i would have asked him but he left to go talk to my mom). anyway, once my friend marcus said the bags out and we realized a couple of seconds later that he meant to say the cats out of the bag and we thought the bags out was probably better anyway and so we decided to say that instead. which is perfect for me because i have never been able to quote a damn thing right my entire life.

and in my life the bag is usually out.

my dad is loving this fatal attraction. he can barely decide if he wants to watch it or the jazz game more. i do feel bad for this lady. the guy keeps stealing her underwear. i mean how annoying is that. i hate buying new underwear. the lady didnt show up for work. george is getting more and more nervous. as he should be because that lady totally died.

my parents have pretty good conversations for people who have no real communication skills.

here was the last conversation:

g: natali is watching this murder mystery show (he thinks if he wants to watch it my mom wont let him)

c: i like murder mysteries (enthusiastically)

g: not this one because i like it and you dont like the murder mysteries i like (i dont think that was fair because my mom really does like murder mysteries)

c: i have diabetes, gout and high blood pressure. is there anything else i should have? (she doesnt have any of those things)

i tuned out here. mostly because this murder mystery is getting pretty good. the jazz game is out and fatal attraction is in.

our first attempt at reproduction

Hayden Beecher

that's right i have a nephew. on labor day and i wanted to capture the excitement he felt hanging out with me, his favorite aunt. i really like him. he really likes ceiling fans. so we dont have much in common, except i think we are both a little scared of grandma...oh and we are both super cute when we pull that face. i use it when i really like a boy. gets them everytime.