Sunday, May 27, 2007

i turned up the heat

it was cold in my office on tuesday so i turned on the heater at work. and it started a fire. well i thought it did. because of the smoke. turns out it was just a short in the heater in my office but we had to evacuate. so i took out some work and did it outside. the fireman asked if i started it. and i said maybe. which he thought was funny because i guess he was trying to make a joke? i said i may have been in the line of causation. so i almost died. but not really.i almost died once before. but not really. it was in dc. i woke up one day because my room was shaking. i thought that was strange. turns out a helicopter was circling my house. at some point i remembered i lived in a no fly zone (i totally recommend it-so quiet). anyway, there were also pentagon police in my yard so i knew i was probably in moderate danger. a cop asked us if our house was secure...i said no and asked him to conduct a search but he declined. but he did search my shed. i called my neighbors alex and alex to see if they knew who the suspect(s) were and what they were in for. alex was pretty nosy and knew everything in the neighborhood. but he and alex were in spain celebrating their anniversary. otherwise he would have known. anyway they apprehended a car jacking suspect in my neighbors backyard.

Saturday, May 26, 2007


i received an email recently about a post. this post. the email was entitled "TAB", excerpts of the email include this:

I am a recovering TAB addict (since they switched from saccharine to aspartame in 2003 I lost my craving. I'll drink it every now and again, but it has lost its stronghold on me...In its original incarnation, the TAB your mother denied you truly was a superior beverage. I think you would have liked its artificial sweetness and the warning label that used to be on every can describing the carcinogenic effects of saccharine on laboratory animals. Every can invited a sense of danger and risk, not to mention an generous helping of caffeine. With your latest musings on that healthy diet coke, I can tell that you are not afraid of a little risk in your beverages. Each can also brought a sense of separation from society..."who the hell still drinks that stuff anyway?" -- I do.

yes thank you for your email. i appreciate your insight into addictions/ health/ marketing/ identity and maybe religion. but i am not sure i would agree that i would have ever enjoyed TAB. i never cared for saccharine/nutra sweet/ or splenda. especially splenda. i hope for a splenda free world for my children. also i dont know that i agree that drinking soda creates a sense of separation from society. i believe people drink soda to gain acceptance and built repore (officially spelled rapport but i have shunned this spelling). diet coke is a social drink. the coffee of mormon women. if anything it increases your sense of belonging. when i am in relief society and desperately trying to relate i like to bring up diet coke. when i am trying not to relate i talk about my job.

that wasnt the only email i received that day. this was in my inbox from a former roommate: entitled "i like you"

When you lived with me I had a lot of fun
you would put me in your car and drive me around
you wanted it to be burning hot
and i did not (edited for content)
we watched project runway
you took me to taco time
when i was poor you fed me
when i was naked you clothed me
actually you (edited for content)
remember when we laughed all the time
and you got ready
and i showered (more editing...)
eating at judds
you sipping on a diet coke
you would also sit around and analyze works of art like dreamy abc and russian amber art
and bag on ****

that email-poem, in its entirety, is a masterpiece. but it was del taco and not taco time. so maybe i should have edited for accuracy... anyway,thanks for writing to me. it nice having an email every now and then that isnt from eharmony (that was sort of a mistake)(i did it to get the personality assessment)(but it was too damn long and i didnt even care by the end).

Monday, May 21, 2007

year of the pig

on sunday night it was two weeks after lee's birthday so we had pie. and the conversation turned to, as it naturally does, chinese birthday animals. i was given the assignment to find and blog about everyone attending's sign. here i go:

natali: horse
brian: horse
lee: monkey
gavin: goat
natani: goat
lisa: dragon
jefe: tiger

i would look up alma and arlo but they left pre-chinese birthday-animal conversation so they dont get to know.

natali no e

this is the art work that is hanging in my office. there are two other similarly ugly pictures as well. i dislike bad blue italian themed art more than you would probably expect. we hired a new receptionist named natalie. so thats confusing. my boss told me he was going to call her natalie one. which i thought was strange. i had worked there longer so it seemed like i would naturally be natali one. also i am probably seven years older. so logically i thought i should be natalie one. but no i am natali two. do i look like a natali two? today my boss asked if natali two was confusing and said maybe we will call the receptionist natalie engaged and me natali single. and then he asked if i would cry everytime someone said my nickname.

probably not.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

i just wanted to hold you in my arms

i was waiting for may 10 for so very long in order to celebrate golden spike day and i forgot. and it wasnt for lack of signs to remind me. i am sorry golden spike day. maybe next year.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

you'll miss me when i am dead

i may or may not have a diet coke addiction (may). why is it so addictive you ask? lets consult the ingredient listed below:
  • carbonated water
  • caramel color
  • aspartame
  • phosphoric acid
  • potassium benzoate (to protect taste)
  • natural flavors
  • citric acid
  • caffeine

that can't be good, right? but whatevs. i wised up and decided to embrace the addiction and die of whatever those ingredients in large amounts will do to you over a long period of time.

the good news is this may not be what kills me after all. in fact, my addiction might end up saving my life, and here's how. diet coke plus, with vitamins and minerals. niacin, b6 and b12?! goodbye anemia, hello DNA repair! beck and i were so excited about the prospect of not dying from the amount of diet coke we drink, that we decided to document our first sips of this nector of health. i thought those added minerals tasted like carmelized nails. so i decided i was cool with dying. beck thought it was okay, but she thinks those added vitamins (and minerals) actually mask her favorite thing about the diet coke (besides the caffeine, obviously)--aspertame. addictions shouldnt be healthy. it was wrong to try.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

dont drive away from me

this is a picture of a car with an obituary on the window. its an in loving memory for someone. is this a new thing? i hesitate to be too critical of anyone who is trying to remember someone that has passed away about does but that sticker come off or has the resell value just gone down on that vehicle. anyway i am not sure what to make of it but i do know what i have to make of bumper stickers.

here is the deal with bumper stickers. i dont like them. not one bit. and this is why. i think they are a rather inconsiderate form of communication. whenever i see a bumper sticker i feel like someone is yelling their opinion at me and i have no way to respond. and its not like i even WANT to respond. but i would like to be given the OPPORTUNITY. like abortion is wrong and i always want to say what about in rape circumstances or dont eat meat and i want to say what about hotdogs or my kid is an honor student really where is his/her report card? i feel the same way (hate) about license plates. i always hate custom license plates because sometimes i cant figure out what they are short for. and i spend too much time thinking about them. that is why my new favorite license plate is the one i saw today. it said hi tommy. see i know what that means. i know that its not directed to me but to tommy. it elicits no response. its perfect in every way.

and that brings me to that car pictured above. moments after i took this picture someone got inside and drove away. there is more shit in that car then in your average landfill.

Monday, May 07, 2007

jean pick of the week

sorry my jean weekly review is more like every fiscal quarter. here are the ones i have been thinking about when i think about jeans. they are white. which i think are fun for summer. and i dont have any white jeans but i wish i did. i would wear them like they were dress pants. to picnics and on first dates or to the drive in. maybe to a first date at a drive in. anyway, i am a sucker for the twisted seam. so that is why i like these ones. but if you have a problem with wearing jeans featured in every other hip hop song about men buying women jeans for sexual favors then you might want to stay away from this brand.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

fan mail

so last night around 2:32 a.m. i thought it was time to delete my blog. blogs can only run so long right? furthermore i never really LIKED mine. i am not saying that to get any sort of response of you the reader's personal opinion of my blog. i understand that some of you have some sort of attachment to me (i grow on people) and as such occasionally find my ramblings amusing. but my blog is mostly just a source of embarrassment and as such i dont like too much attention ever devoted to it. kind of like my double jointed arms or my dating life.

so today when i woke up and decided to push that delete bottom and take up a new hobby like international travel i had this email waiting for me in my linkup email box entitled "blog":

So I was faced with a pretty boring night in the lab tonight. It was really dead. The bacteria were pretty docile. Anyway, I saw your little headline about think tanks. I thought it sounded familiar but couldn't remember where I'd heard it. I tried a google search which came up dry but it did point me to your blog plus the one you contribute to. I had to write to say that I laughed so hard that the molecular pathology guys in the next room came over to see what was so funny. So thanks. You saved me from a potentially very long and boring night.

here is the response: (that i never sent): (but maybe will): (its doubtful):

dear seth:

i almost deleted my blog today. but i decided to let it live for one more month because of your encouraging words. i also decided i might have ebola. but i doubt that its even a possibility. out of curiosity is a symptom the inability to sleep more than 3 hours at a time? anyway, tell the molecular pathology guys i said hi.


p.s. my tagline is one of the better one liners i heard in a recent episode of gilmore girls. which is a show known for random references to obscure literature and bands. anyway, i really think (pun) think tanks are fascinating. i have been to a couple and even eaten at one on a lunch date. i had two dates that day. thats the only time that has ever happened to me.