hug a dolphin another day

august 29, 2008

dear m.l.k. jr:

im still not totally ok with you. you know my feelings. but im not bringing that up now because you are dead. however, i am curious if you really did endorse obama or if i misheard when i was trying to quickly change the channel. also, my tv sound didnt work for like 15 minutes last night and i want to know if you or any of your friends are haunting my tv set. that might also explain the color problems. everything is orange. good thing orange is my favorite color.

xoxo,

n

ps here is a picture of jesus on a birthday cake. i heard you are religious.

you have a lot of dance in those pants

i was never a big fan of miranda rights. not the actual rights themselves. those are fine. but the whole reciting thing. it doesnt have much to a ring to it. its not like the lords prayer which sounds great every time. however, after watching law and order i realized there is something i dislike more than normal miranda. its when whoever gets arrested starts rattling them off (because they are some lawyer or cop or repeat offender with a good memory) and they try to finish them before the cops. it takes too much time.

time wasting is a big concern for me. i also take the golden rule seriously. i try to never waste anyones time with things they hate or arent in the mood for or are only doing out of obligation. it reminds me of when people try to peer pressure me into doing things like wedding showers or campouts or drugs.

speaking of drugs i took some sleeping medication as i do every night and i forgot to go to bed because i was excited about aaron's new song. featured here. eventually the ambien caught up to me and i said "i think im going to have problems getting to my bed" and he thought i said "i think you are going to have problems getting to my bed."

thats a pretty good pick up line right? or maybe its not because it implies a boy would have problems getting into my bed because im a prude or there is an obstacle course or i kick in my sleep. i was thinking of it tonight at a party with ladyace when we were talking about hitting on boys. we talk about it alot. or in other words we are all talk.

i like to talk about those vampire books. everyone is really into book clubs. not me because i dont like to read much unless you count those vampire books. but i would like to form a vampire book club. any vampire book. i can think of five off the top of my head. fortunately i have all ready read them all so all the pressure is off.

small talk on my day off

i had this idea to start a blog about a hypothetical baby. but i have a lot on my blog plate. and the problem with hypothetical babies is you cant take tons of pictures of them (because they dont exist) and pictures are the keystone of any good baby blog. i was also concerned a made up baby blog might offend real babies (parents) everywhere. so this is as far as the brainstorming went:

brian: did you start you fake baby blog yet?

me: not yet

i dont know if i willbrian: that's ok

but here is an excerpt of what my baby blog would have been like.

i found this outfit for kitty.* isnt she adorable? she loves it and cries when i take it off. whenever we go to the park she gets so many compliments. its because she is so adorable. i cant believe how big she is getting! i hope she doesnt outgrow it by halloween but if she does i was i have a cute pumpkin costume that should work. anyway i have to run. the baby is waking up from her nap and we running to the store...

*not her real name.

sex on wednesday

at tuesday lunch with my parents my dad was telling me how proud my mom was of me. and i was like yeah right. and he said she is always bragging about you. and i said what does she brag about (i was secretly hoping she told everyone i was good at sewing* and had a great sense of humor even if i wasnt married). no such luck. she likes to tell people how small i am. i think if i lost a couple of more pounds i could maybe surpass my younger brother as the favorite who we are all very proud of because he teaches a class as UVSC. thats right he is a professor (adjunct). he is living the part time dream.

all my heros work part time.

ive decided im going to go get a physical this week. im not even really sure what it entails. i vaguely remember getting one when i was 13 and having this conversation with the doctor:

doctor: Have you talked to your parents about sex?
me: ugh yeah i guess.
doctor: Are you sure? If they havent I will.
me: maybe i should just pee in a cup and leave.

i havent been back since.

*originally i had written sewer. i realized that cant be right.

bunny, not just a name

im waiting for my mail to come because i am getting a new debit card which i need to go to costco to buy breaking dawn. i can hardly wait. if the mail person comes this blog will end abruptly.

the problem is i am a

if you happen to go to mexico

its been an exciting week for me. from a consumer prospective. first of all i bought this bowl i really liked at DI. i wasnt sure what to do with it.


until i bought this shit load of fabric (i know i know i need more fabric like i need a hole somewhere) but it was a great sale.

i didnt actually buy or make this quilt. and this picture doesnt do it justice. my mom showed it to me and said i made this 30 years ago and have never used it...at which point i said you know i am taking that home with me... and my mom said i dont know...and i said too bad....and she said maybe i will use it...and i said yeah when you come to my house.

oh and i got a serger. i have no idea what to do with it besides look at it suspiciously. (it was free with...)

this! and here is my new baby. i love her. more than most things.

well pardon me all over the place

recently, i started a program funded by my parents where i let them take me to lunch. on tuesday. its aptly named tuesday lunches with my parents. its to make up for me not wanting to go to their house. and despite every assurance that this isnt personal they keep taking it personally so i let them buy me a garden burger and tell me springville gossip. recently, my little brother joined the lunch group. although im not sure why we let him in because unlike myself he is a wonderful child who spends plenty of quality time with the family. this was the conversation we had last tuesday:

me: i might come over tomorrow...wait never mind i remembered i dont want to.

mom: please come over!

me: no.

mom: please...there are some love letters at the house im only giving you if you come over.

me: i dont want them.

mom: fine. george (my dad) dont give her her mail until she comes over.

dad: shrug (indicating he wanted no part of this conversation).

me: that may be a federal offense. anyway i really just dont like the spare bed.

mom: when you get married i will get a new bed.

trevor: but why does it matter if she is married? it doesnt help her now.

me: obviously this is another example of single people discrimination.

mom: do you want to go to the folk fest?

me: cant say that i do.

mom: we can go. trevor has a date and we can spy on him.

me: now this just got interesting. (but it didnt because no one would tell me who he was going with or why he was taking her to the folk fest).

mom: pleaseeeeeeeeeeee.

me: i think the love letter approach was pretty funny. but ineffective. and no.

also. my boss keeps asking me about what he (the bishop) should talk about at girls camp. in fact i just got off the phone with him on this very matter. not the pressing legal conversation you might have imagined. anyway, i told him to use the penny analogy. he of course asked what the penny analogy is. i told him im not sure but i got a penny at girls camp and i was supposed to remain pure like a penny and then give it to my husband when we got married. my boss said that it didnt make sense. and i agreed. money is soooo dirty. anyway he asked if i lost my penny. and i said yes but in all fairness its an oil crisis so i probably just spent it.

some civil servants are like loved ones

first of all i like my nephew so much and i think he is maybe the funniest kid i have ever met. its widely rumored that when asked if he loves me he says "you know i do." he calls my little brother uncle treasure and he likes to sit on rocks. anyway i asked him to pose for a picture and i got these two looks. i think tyra banks would agree that he is super versatile and that he works that crayon.

talk nerdy to me

i remembered tonight that i never ever want to go to antarctica.

dear b you have been winning many friend awards with me lately but i suspect our two hearts beat as one after wanted. actually i am not sure when our hearts synchronized but it probably had something to do with the angelina jolies skull. i tell everyone i know twice about how awesome that movie is was and will always be.

sometimes when i go sewing machine shopping the sales people dont take me seriously when i say i want a "cute" machine. say something with some cherries and a kitten. where can i find that?

those rats explode!

if you wake up and its humid its probably because your apartment is flooding. i wrote this post awhile back. and i liked it awhile back. but lets see how i like it now.

i have ocd like everyone else i know. i, specifically, dont like hands touching my food. unfortunately for me hands are constantly touching food. i can temper the effects of hands by a great deal of hand washing, occasionally breathing techniques and if i had it medication.* i dont have it.

but its fine. except that i am becoming increasingly concerned that i have an elitist disorder. i doubt most people (i am counting the entire population) have the luxury of indulging in any sort of food/hand phobia. it is my understanding that much of the world doesnt have running water or plumbing so it seems like me being grossed out about hands touching food seems pretty trivial and a tad snobbish. in the scheme of things. i feel like the concept applies to anyone with extreme food regulations or that takes most groups of food or types of food out of their diets.** as we all know lots of people dont have enough to eat. the kids in africa get mentioned quite a bit.*** im not sure if its wrong but it seems somehow superior to not eat something because its cooked or there is an animal product somewhere in it. food indicates class and status for every person on a more regular basis than most things (approximately three times a day) making it something i really think about. but what do i know. im not that nice. for example yesterday my mom bought a wrinkled flag to put in the front yard and i told her it was illegal to iron it.

* you were probably about to suggest anti bacterial. i dont like it. but i appreciate the suggestion.
**you know who you are.
***this is a very similar argument to the one made by american parents to get their kids to finish their meals and my mother believes it is the reason why many kids are obese.

i heard the lamanites had it coming

(my sewing machine broke last week and im not going to fix it for reasons that i am not going to expound on here-anyway, i would appreciate any sewing machine brand/model recommendations anyone may have)

i wonder if ants charge. (like rhinoceroses). i like to sit in the same place in the park. i rarely move unless there is a friendly dog or people close by. you know normal things to be avoided. some ants i know also like the same place in the park. they are always there. but i like that seat so i decided to make it work (out of a combination of laziness, stubbornness and habit).

now i am not afraid of ants. and i dont mind them crawling on me. but they are natural born explorers and shouldnt be trusted. at first i gently brushed them off*. then i starting avoiding them by moving around to let them pass. i felt like i was really going out of my way to make them feel comfortable. but then one of them had the nerve to charge? me. it felt pretty personal so i left.

upon exiting the park i realized i had a hard choice to make. which way to walk. there was a couple cuddling on a blanket that i was curious about (anyone who touches another person in 90 degree weather makes me wonder what is going on) and then a wedding party. maybe a wedding. i choose the wedding. i dont know i am still sort of regretting it. i guess i took the road more traveled.

*i feel its appropriate to apologize to brian since he loaned me the book i was using as the ant brusher offer. however, to my knowledge no ants were killed and i know he would have wanted it that way.

these are tense linguistic times

recently i read a blog where a girl listed what she ate everyday. i think she was trying to lose weight. anyway, it wasnt half bad. what does this have to do with post? nothing. except that i am tempted to just start writing what i eat everyday.*

today i walked to a quilting store conveniently located in downtown salt lake only to find it closes at 5:55. but that isnt the strange thing. the strange thing is that it was 6 pm on a work day and i had already been to three quilt stores. that story wasnt that great.

let me try again.

i am trying to grow a daffodil. i bought one of those grow your own daffodils pots. you may have seen them. i didnt realize it was a lot of work. first of all. i have to keep it somewhere cool for sixteen weeks and water it once a day. so its in my fridge. and i havent watered it once. i am betting against my daffodil making it. but i will keep everyone updated on its progress. towards death.

sorry its been a slow week.

*the internal battle goes something like this "no one wants to read about what you eat" "but i really like lists" "doesnt matter. boring" "it could be fun" "seriously is this still being debated" "granola bar, milk, green tea, sandwich, green tea, milk, veggie burger, banana" "that was horrible never do that again" "fine. jerk"

i missed the balloons

springville is the art city. we take it pretty seriously. as seriously as the devil. red devils anyway. i went to this flower show in the art museum.

and then there was more art at this quilt show. (and by art i just mean paintings in addition to the quilts).

oh and then more art at the art show.

the end.

once we found out we were both librarians

i got two emails from my sister in law today. one was a fairy who is supposed to bring me luck. the second was entitled a black columnist on obama. i read them both.

sometimes i think if i had a conversation with obama about that article it would go something like this:

me: i read an article today about you today.

obama: did it talk about how eloquent i am?

me: yes but i am getting to that. have some patience.

obama: sorry. im just so rattled after finally getting the nomination.

me: thats understandable. anyway the first part of the article is about how we shouldnt vote because of race and that you are very very liberal.

obama: will you vote for me?

me: no i dont think i am going to vote anymore. but for anyone not just you.

obama: are you sure?

me: yeah. i am thinking of moving to france and living by johnny depp. eventually he would leave his girlfriend and marry me. and we would be pretty happy for awhile but i dont know. should i trust him? i mean he is just going to leave me like his girlfriend?

obama: i dont know natali. thats a hard call. you just have to go with your heart.

me: you are right. anyway the article also said the book of revelations describes an anti-Christ who will be a man, MUSLIM (it was capitalized in the article), who uses persuasive language...

obama: seriously i give a helluva speech. but i never wear flag pins. did you know?

me: yes i heard. anyway the man will bring false hope (i am assuming socialized medicine) and when he is in power he will destroy everything. and that guy is probably you.

obama: destroy everything?

me: yeah not just the constitution. everything. im assuming if you are president the earth might blow up.

obama: sooooo i have your vote?

me: oh bama.

obama: (chuckle)

i suspect fellowshipping

i might be catholic on the inside. there is probably a quiz i could take somewhere but i havent found it. at a young age i realized i loved cathedrals and had to fight the urge to cross myself. and when i was sixteen i wanted a gold cross necklace so bad but i didnt want to break my moms heart or anything. my friend told me he wanted to be catholic for the wine and the low moral expectations.* i dont know about that i just like stained glass. and i am fond of saints.** and candles. but not the scented ones i just like the ones you light for peoples souls.

so i made this scrap quilt. i think it may be a miracle quilt because i made it to use up my scraps but instead my scraps have multiplied. its sort of like the parable of the fishes and the loaves. but with fabric. that i wanted to get rid of. so even if its a miracle i didnt really want it. but thanks i guess.

*i dont know anything about catholic moral expectations but i did get an A in world religions and my friend eric got an A-. i know that he reads this sometimes and i just wanted to remind him that i know way more about religious shit. half a grade more.

**once my friend got a saint bracelet for a cup of coffee.

all you babies.

i dont think e's parents post enough pictures of her. here she is posing as a cute french baby. (she is wearing a peasant dress in front of a french dresser and i happen to know she only eats dairy).

i dont want to talk about trees anymore

i think i tend to whine and be on the needy side of emotional. i also like to think most people dont know this besides a handful of selected friends and my immediate family. my cousins probably have their suspicions.

anyway, sometimes i get extra whiny and emotional. possibly based on the lunar cycle. i find that someone telling me i am pretty (and if convenient a nice head pat) makes me feel better. however, who best to do to this? clearly not my mom whom although full of unconditional love is not full of unconditional compliments. and it had to be someone on google chat because i am out of minutes. so obviously i turn to my best friend bexy who is very patient and reassuring and whom i have horded enough of her possessions that she wouldnt dare not answer my phone calls. or in this case my google chat.

so bexy had her hands full today. i estimate at least 75 minutes of me saying "im fugly*" "my body is too flat and compact" and "no man in the world could possibly be attracted to me." she did her best to cheer me up by perving on me over IM (and doing an excellent job) when my forced compliment conversation with bexy (and just when i was about to move on to my personality flaws) was interrupted by a man (a seventy-year-old man) who works in my office. he walked by and did a double take. then he proceeded to tell me how much he liked my new hair cut and color. for a long time. so long i am going to start looking over my shoulder when i walk to my car.

what can i say it felt good.

also my landlord likes my hair. i know because i accidentally sent him pictures of it and he responded that he liked my new do and wanted to know if i could re-sign my lease.

i said yes.

*im not sure if the word fugly was used. but i thought it. and i like to say it. so maybe i did.

the power is out. why am i alive?

how is my stomach lining doing? i dont mean to be a baby about this but i still have holes and i cant drink diet coke. for the record i have only had 5 diet cokes since February 28. that is only 60 ounces of diet coke. but this is what i have come to learn.

i love it.

it tastes like dirt.

how come i never noticed that dirt taste before? i drank one today. i let it sit in my mouth while it defizzed. it was either my enamel or my stomach and i choose my stomach. i dont know why. my teeth are great and my stomach is the shits. i should try and preserve my good assets.

enough about my internal angst.

a sister missionary told me a joke today. she said in pageants in the philippines the judges ask the contestants what their favorite color is and one girl said fuchsia and then they asked her how to spell it and she said actually i think my favorite color is red. it wasnt a very good joke and i probably wouldnt convert based on it but i thought i was nice for her to try.

oh and i am already mormon.

i got my molars early in life

my family made a time capsule. we didnt bother waiting until trevor was born. but to be fair we didnt know he was going to be. i have a pretty distinct memory of being sad when i grew out of this dress. you might not be able to see how great it is but it had watermelons and cotton lace which i knew at a young age was a rare but wonderful combination.

i have nothing else to say.

the pros and cons of division

mothers day conversations:

i told becky if i was a ghost i might watch people having sex. she called me a dirt bag.

during a walk with my mom in which she told me i was both too picky and didnt have high enough standards (i couldnt get to the bottom of that).

i told my mom was i very impressed with my cousins crafting and sewing abilities and she said she was surprised she was so good. and i asked why and she said because my cousin couldnt crawl until she was one (i couldnt get to the bottom of that either).

my nephews awesome outfit AND his first directed question at me. he said "nally dhigh sieh dhgishhh puppy?" (i think the question had to do with a puppy. i told him i was allergic.).

my mothers attempt to clarify our previous conversation where she told me boys arent perfect and something else about standards (i dont remember it because i was reading an article on the trial of korihor. it was pretty boring.).

i told my mom i wouldnt decorate her grave because i knew she wouldnt be there (or appreciate it). she said thats true but i will be watching you. i told her she had better close her eyes.

my dad asked if i had a seventy two hour kit and i said no and that if there was a natural disaster i planned on dying and he said he figured as much.

i told becky about my mom perving on me when she was dead and becky reminded me about how i said four hours prior to this conversation i said i would watch people having sex if i was a ghost. touche.