year of the pig

on sunday night it was two weeks after lee's birthday so we had pie. and the conversation turned to, as it naturally does, chinese birthday animals. i was given the assignment to find and blog about everyone attending's sign. here i go:

natali: horse
brian: horse
lee: monkey
gavin: goat
natani: goat
lisa: dragon
jefe: tiger

i would look up alma and arlo but they left pre-chinese birthday-animal conversation so they dont get to know.

natali no e

this is the art work that is hanging in my office. there are two other similarly ugly pictures as well. i dislike bad blue italian themed art more than you would probably expect. we hired a new receptionist named natalie. so thats confusing. my boss told me he was going to call her natalie one. which i thought was strange. i had worked there longer so it seemed like i would naturally be natali one. also i am probably seven years older. so logically i thought i should be natalie one. but no i am natali two. do i look like a natali two? today my boss asked if natali two was confusing and said maybe we will call the receptionist natalie engaged and me natali single. and then he asked if i would cry everytime someone said my nickname.

probably not.

i just wanted to hold you in my arms

i was waiting for may 10 for so very long in order to celebrate golden spike day and i forgot. and it wasnt for lack of signs to remind me. i am sorry golden spike day. maybe next year.

you'll miss me when i am dead

i may or may not have a diet coke addiction (may). why is it so addictive you ask? lets consult the ingredient listed below:

• carbonated water
• caramel color
• aspartame
• phosphoric acid
• potassium benzoate (to protect taste)
• natural flavors
• citric acid
• caffeine

that can't be good, right? but whatevs. i wised up and decided to embrace the addiction and die of whatever those ingredients in large amounts will do to you over a long period of time.

the good news is this may not be what kills me after all. in fact, my addiction might end up saving my life, and here's how. diet coke plus, with vitamins and minerals. niacin, b6 and b12?! goodbye anemia, hello DNA repair! beck and i were so excited about the prospect of not dying from the amount of diet coke we drink, that we decided to document our first sips of this nector of health. i thought those added minerals tasted like carmelized nails. so i decided i was cool with dying. beck thought it was okay, but she thinks those added vitamins (and minerals) actually mask her favorite thing about the diet coke (besides the caffeine, obviously)--aspertame. addictions shouldnt be healthy. it was wrong to try.

dont drive away from me

this is a picture of a car with an obituary on the window. its an in loving memory for someone. is this a new thing? i hesitate to be too critical of anyone who is trying to remember someone that has passed away about does but that sticker come off or has the resell value just gone down on that vehicle. anyway i am not sure what to make of it but i do know what i have to make of bumper stickers.

here is the deal with bumper stickers. i dont like them. not one bit. and this is why. i think they are a rather inconsiderate form of communication. whenever i see a bumper sticker i feel like someone is yelling their opinion at me and i have no way to respond. and its not like i even WANT to respond. but i would like to be given the OPPORTUNITY. like abortion is wrong and i always want to say what about in rape circumstances or dont eat meat and i want to say what about hotdogs or my kid is an honor student really where is his/her report card? i feel the same way (hate) about license plates. i always hate custom license plates because sometimes i cant figure out what they are short for. and i spend too much time thinking about them. that is why my new favorite license plate is the one i saw today. it said hi tommy. see i know what that means. i know that its not directed to me but to tommy. it elicits no response. its perfect in every way.

and that brings me to that car pictured above. moments after i took this picture someone got inside and drove away. there is more shit in that car then in your average landfill.

jean pick of the week

sorry my jean weekly review is more like every fiscal quarter. here are the ones i have been thinking about when i think about jeans. they are white. which i think are fun for summer. and i dont have any white jeans but i wish i did. i would wear them like they were dress pants. to picnics and on first dates or to the drive in. maybe to a first date at a drive in. anyway, i am a sucker for the twisted seam. so that is why i like these ones. but if you have a problem with wearing jeans featured in every other hip hop song about men buying women jeans for sexual favors then you might want to stay away from this brand.

fan mail

so last night around 2:32 a.m. i thought it was time to delete my blog. blogs can only run so long right? furthermore i never really LIKED mine. i am not saying that to get any sort of response of you the reader's personal opinion of my blog. i understand that some of you have some sort of attachment to me (i grow on people) and as such occasionally find my ramblings amusing. but my blog is mostly just a source of embarrassment and as such i dont like too much attention ever devoted to it. kind of like my double jointed arms or my dating life.

so today when i woke up and decided to push that delete bottom and take up a new hobby like international travel i had this email waiting for me in my linkup email box entitled "blog":

So I was faced with a pretty boring night in the lab tonight. It was really dead. The bacteria were pretty docile. Anyway, I saw your little headline about think tanks. I thought it sounded familiar but couldn't remember where I'd heard it. I tried a google search which came up dry but it did point me to your blog plus the one you contribute to. I had to write to say that I laughed so hard that the molecular pathology guys in the next room came over to see what was so funny. So thanks. You saved me from a potentially very long and boring night.
Seth

here is the response: (that i never sent): (but maybe will): (its doubtful):

dear seth:

i almost deleted my blog today. but i decided to let it live for one more month because of your encouraging words. i also decided i might have ebola. but i doubt that its even a possibility. out of curiosity is a symptom the inability to sleep more than 3 hours at a time? anyway, tell the molecular pathology guys i said hi.

natali

p.s. my tagline is one of the better one liners i heard in a recent episode of gilmore girls. which is a show known for random references to obscure literature and bands. anyway, i really think (pun) think tanks are fascinating. i have been to a couple and even eaten at one on a lunch date. i had two dates that day. thats the only time that has ever happened to me.

i would be very surprised if he has even killed one person

shane and i ate lunch together yesterday. shane pointed out it was a bust. he was right. that didnt stop us from eating dinner. that was kind of a bust too but no one pointed it out. after dinner we wanted to go to amazing grace but that didnt start until 10 and it was 8:30 so we rented a movie. this involved walking around blockbuster for about an hour until we finally decided on a movie neither of us wanted to watch so as not to put out the other person. i could tell the movie was going to be a bust as well. but sometimes you cant stop these sorts of things you just have to ride them through.

anyway this blog was supposed to be my movie review of scoop. so here is my review. i KINDA liked it. yeah thats right. i spent the first 24 minutes apologizing for getting it instead of half nelson. and then i spent the next 10 minutes trying to decide if we should turn it off and play guitar hero. but then woody allen really came through for me and started telling the best jokes. most of them involving scarlett johansson's promiscuity like "well did you accomplish anything besides a possible pregnancy?" and he had other good one liners. the whole movie is filmed more like a play then a movie but i kind of liked that as well. anyway, its a pretty good movie built on being predictable and over the top. but maybe get half nelson if its an option.

i do like to bedazzle....

so i got a letter from the future yesterday. it was addressed to my non-existent daughter. who is living at my parents address. does this mean i still live with my mom? this living at home thing is getting out of hand. i know its illegal but i decided to open the letter because maybe she won a sweepstakes. anyway i knew she would forgive me when she was born. and learned how to talk. and grew up and i couldnt afford to send her to college and then i would say good thing we have that sweepstakes money. that will show her. this could be the answer to my prayers. in the future.

wrong. it was someone trying to trick my hypothetical child into a beauty pageant so peds can perv on her and she can grow up with a poor self esteem, body dysporhia, an eating disorder AND probably a preoccupation with her breasts and sequins. but i am not sure on those last ones. but probably. anyway, i threw the letter away.


so against my better judgment i went to a book sale today. and i bought my future kid a book. why not people are sending her mail and she will need to know how to read. i bought her this one. its about a man named oliver. he is made out of wood. anyway he is trying to get to california. its a real page turner.

there was a letter (there are a bunch of letters throughout the book) from Salt Lake City dated July 4 (my favorite holiday. beside the point) and it was from melissa tso who is miss utah (but not really its a woman named heather something) who is complaining about having to wave to kids while riding in a convertible going 5 miles per hour but is inspired by our friend oliver. poor miss utah. what are the odds a book about oliver woodman has anything to do with pageants in utah? its probably a sign that my child is going to revolutionalize the pageantry world. anyway i also bought babies in the bible and the princess and the pea.

down dog this

there are some cuddlers in my yoga class. despite the fact its totally weird and gross i really like it. look how much they like each other. instead of stretching they are spooning. yes i take my camera to the gym. and yes my cell phone went off during yoga. and yes the cuddlers gave me a bad look for being distracting and i gave them my you are judging me look but inside i thought its kind of sweet how he plays with her hair on the germ infested floor that is golds gym sugarhouse.

lets make it work tonight

Dear EC:

Maybe you care about my gene pool and I don't really blame you. So here is my nephew. He has been our only attempt so far so you don't have a lot to go on. I am really sorry about that. No one else has expressed much interest in reproducing. But I can tell you this much, my family has been plagued with hayfever, allergies to fur, and eczema for generations. Furthermore, no one in my family has ever won a spelling bee and our eyesight is hit and miss. I wouldn't say we are super athletic but Grandpa played college ball and I won third place in the 50 meter race in the fifth grade. Anyway EC if you want kind of skinny kids with bad grammar and skin diseases you know where to look. I have to go finish watching Gilmore Girls. I sort of think Luke is Lorelei's EC. Do you think that too? Talk to you later (for eternity).

Love,

Natali

i am glad easter involves ham

today in sunday school i thought it would be fun to try and guess what was in lee's easter basket. it was ok because i had that lesson last week. his mom ended up using pink grass. but i think everything else was about right.

after church i went over to the 21 year old's house. these were the contents of his easter basket. law school books, knives (4 to 5) and candy. his dad did his easter basket this year.

this was the last really good easter i had. i made a killing that year. you cant see it but there are a helluva lot of eggs in that basket. it was also the last time i had awesome gray velcro shoes. easter 84, i think of you often.

thanks mom

this is what my mom made me in enrichment. i think my favorite part was when i actually thought oh i am glad she spelled my name right....but my second favorite part is the fact i have a cooking pan with my name on it.

me and the bean

the bean loves diet coke. sometimes i think its because he loves me. he primarily sees diet coke when he sees me and when he sees me its always with a diet coke can in hand. how could he not associate the two? i would do a venn diagram to show you how it all works but the problem is i was am so bad at venn diagrams. i never knew where to draw the sometimes lines. that being said i love venn diagrams. also this is probably another reason why i should never babysit small to medium sized children. they end up with aspartame addictions and a collection of those annoying coke polar bears.

shake it up

here are my parents. they are probably thinking of my future. it makes them nervous i think. maybe it comes from the fact they are pretty sure i am never going to get married. i have always had this problem telling my parents about the dating/boy sphere in my life so i think they assume that no such sphere exists. once my grandma announced to the whole family she was pretty sure i liked girls and not boys since i never brought boys around. leave it up to grams to start circulating lesbian rumors. anyway, last night i decided i was going to make serious and unprecedented efforts to communicate with my parents about boys. so when i saw an opportunity to discuss i took it. here was how the conversation went: (picture me really nervous and walking away)

mom: natali did you go out to eat last night?
me: no mom i went to see a boy
my dad from downstairs: a boy?
mom: yes she said boy B-O-Y
dad: who?
mom: i am scared to ask
me: (i was scared too)

that was it. ground breaking i know.

i just called to say i love you

i am one of those people who end telephone conversations with k love you bye. like almost everytime. the problem is sometimes i forget and tell people i dont love/know love you bye. which i think is mostly nice. i know i like it when people tell me they love me even if its just an accident. its only bad when its the person you are dating. anyway, i am glad i told my landlords daughter who was supposed to bring me a key over how i really felt. today i caught myself almost telling some client i was writing a scathing letter for love you bye. it happened three times (we talked a lot today). it got really close. i was at k l.....let me edit this and i will send it over for your signature. k love...to get this settlement. wouldnt that be great? yeah. it was bad.

anyway i am in the market for a new telephone valediction. i looked up that word. it means what i think it means.

cougars dont cut corners

i just looked down on my floor and i liked how my scripture case matched my shoes. i was going to write a long blog about the scriptures i read last night. it was going to involve how i sometimes think of king benjamin and his son mosiah and alma and alma the younger all going to dinner and talking about their lives. you have the kings who from what i can tell were straight arrows their whole lives and then you have the judges who totally had rock-n-roll lifestyles and then reformed. anyway, i imagine they had good conversations with their various backgrounds and skill sets. but i am not going to write about that anymore.

instead, i am going to write about how dick cheney was invited to BYU university to speak at commencement. apparently some students are protesting. there are many things i love/like about BYU (i love the campus, i liked devotionals, i love the 5th floor of the library, i liked most of my professors, i like the clubs, i love that i walked through the national anthem and if people looked at my funny i would think i could be canadian (im not), i loved how you could pray in class, i liked a lot of the people i met there, i love the school colors, i liked that they kept letting me in etc.) but i didnt like how everyone had to avoid anything that looked like an opinion that may be extreme or just different or have anything about your appearance that doesnt make you look all american or that you cant question the school's policies or be ok with naked statutes in the art museum or gay people on campus or against the Iraq war or think maybe 9-11 was a set up or think maybe you want to work and have children but you cant because BYU doesnt offer women maternity leave... if you are a student and any or these things or think any of these things or voice any of these things you might not be able to take a test but if you are a professor you can kiss that teaching contract goodbye with a letter that says something like try UVSC or some other "public" university sucka. i dont know. i hope that is what the letter says.

all those things are beside the point. i think it would be fun to go listen to dick cheney talk. because what if he makes a really funny joke about shooting his friend in the head? or makes some off handing remark about his involvement in that whole iraq "situation". i bet dick cheney has a pretty good sense of humor but people dont give him a chance because he is always doing this with his face. anyway, i would go to his speech. too bad i am not graduating this year.

i lost my CTR ring and i cant choose the right...

the second best thing about conference weekend is that all your mormon friends in different states often make the pilgrimage back to zion to eat sushi with you. and you spend 36 dollars at ya sushi. i blame shane. pictured above.

and then your old roommate comes into town and you hold hands in the cracker barrel. and make a lot of people in a small town a little uncomfortable...

then you eat more sushi with shane and teriney. teriney is maybe going to be an american. finally, after 30 years america is ok with teriney. she grows on you...

we love our teriney. we really are so proud of her. she is our number 1. i just realized that she isnt holding up her finger indicating number 1. instead she is doing that "gotcha" motion that you often do and make that clicking sound and or wink. but i still like this picture. if shane and i ever answer our parents prayers and get married and have mexican kids i want to try and recreate it.

no comment on above picture.

scotty came into town to eat sushi and tell me not to this this with my hand ever again...
and i wont.

my friend mikey came into town as well and we hung out at someones house in lehi. this however, is not a picture of the occasion. this is when we went on the ghost tour in old town alexandria. i wanted to go and mike's brother had a date so i told mike to take me and we could double. i am not afraid to ask myself out. i AM afraid of ghosts.

and that concludes my conference weekend.

i know you would rather see me gone then how i am

its general conference weekend. i know because golds gym is offering a general conference weekend special with a personal trainer. which i might take them up on. anyway, i think its important to have a list of things you do whilst listening to conference and i like to plan ahead for the occasion. here are a couple of my ideas:

1) clean (usually something i save that for sundays despite that saturday is a special day song)
2) quilt (i think i will give it to lee)
3) try and break in my new shoes
4) i think i may have to sue some people
5) see how many pushups i can do (i estimate 43) (girl ones)
6) get insurance
7) give myself a mani/pedi
8)sell some jeans on ebay

i have also decided i am going to change the channel when any women speak if they use that one voice. i hate that voice. i think maybe if we all start changing the channel or walking out if viewing in a stake center then the church would tell women speakers its not necessarily to talk like they are mothering us. and why do they always speak about kids? so basically they are speaking about kids like they are talking to kids. its time they get more interesting topics and get to use regular voices and inflection. does anyone else really wish that? i tell you what i miss that sheri l. dew.

damn thats a fine cookie

Am i the only person who still has to sing the alphabet song when i need to know where a letter is in the line up?

"lawyers, i suppose, were children once"

people ask me all the time what the most interesting things i have learned about being a lawyer, the law, practicing, etc etc. so far here are the most important things i have learned:

1) runners are almost always good looking. runners run legal documents to the courts or other law firms or wherever. they always have such good hair and good tattoos and they make those polos look good when they are riding those bikes...i dont even LIKE tattoos. they creep me out. ink in skin. gross. but on runners...ungross ink in skin.

2) the key to lawyering is bullshit. i guess this isnt a surprise. but seriously even i was taken back by the sheer lack of knowledge at every level in the law. for example if you ask the court clerk how to list the defendants on a pleading they will say they dont know despite the fact they probably file twenty complaints a day. paralegals know more than most and probably do the most legal work, illegally. lawyers know shit. but i dont really blame them the laws are pretty complicated and there is a lot to know. so they spend most of their time posturing. when they get sick of that or there is the chance a judge might call them on it they ask a law clerk to try and figure out the law. thats about it. fascinating i know.

oh and

3) paralegals almost always use the f word. it pretty much makes my day. next to runners paralegals are my favorite.

dead person quilt

i am taking a poll. how creepy is it on a scale from one to ten to make a quilt made from you dead grandparents clothing. and if it isnt creepy is there a chance it will encourage hauntings or visitations, both of which i am against.

jean mystery

i am the proud owner of these boyfriend jordache jeans. the last couple of days i have really pushed myself to understand what boyfriend jeans means. i finally realized that boyfriend fit means that they fit looser in the leg (not in the ass dont worry). apparently i could have googled that and saved myself a lot of thought on the subject. i am a pretty big fan of really tight jeans so i am really glad that i am pushing myself jean wise to wear ones that i am more unsure of. i am kind of sad that boyfriend jeans doesnt refer to the growing trend of men wearing jeans designed for women. that is what i hoped it meant for the first day but i knew that would be too good to be true. so in case anyone else was confused on the matter its yet another jean mystery solved.

dont get my dad a birthday balloon. he wont say anything but he thinks its a waste of money.

this is how hayden says happy birthday grandpa

in our family we like to go out to eat at sizzler. that explains the look on trevor's face. oh actually me sticking my finger in trevors ear right before i took this picture explains the look on trevor's face.
i didnt get my dad a birthday present. i am not sure what to give him. my mom said her favorite presents from me include no longer calling her carolyn and taking out my belly button ring. i call my dad dad and i am fresh out of body piercings. fortunately i finally have money and no longer have to resort to gifts of love. anyway my mom has a pretty good sense of humor. its good because she lies about things that arent funny to people that dont know her and then she acts like they have an inside joke. for example:

w (waitress): who has the dr. pepper?
c: thats mine but put it here (indicating trevor's spot who actually ordered the dr. pepper and then smiling knowingly at w)

this is funny because my mom doesnt drink caffeine and thinks its morally wrong to do so and so she thinks the waitress will think that its funny that she said it was hers. she has lots of good jokes like that.

although it was my new years resolution not to swear in front of my family i accidentally said shit (there was an incident with shrimp). my mom said i wasnt raised around that word. not that i pointed it out but technically thats not true. my grandpa said shit all the time (so i am guessing she was also raised with that word). anyway, does she remember when i was 7 i decided shit wasnt a swear word and that i wanted to use it. after i got my mouth washed out like five times with soap i decided that even if i didnt think it was a swear (i was wrong) i had better stop using it. it was fun while it lasted. but it reminded me of how much i liked that word in the second grade.

anyway i thought it might be good to go on a little walk after the swear overhear. hayden and i sported pretty good foot wear. i have some new pink moccasins and hayden has some new blue flip flops. we walked around sizzler so everyone could enjoy our kicks while they enjoyed their cheese toast. i know i enjoyed both those things. yet another successful family night out.

i am loving the daylight i am saving

i was instructed to find a boyfriend before this kid turns one.

yeah i changed my blogs name. i should probably just explain it now so that the three people who read this can stop scratching their heads (that is a term for when you are confused right? my dad and i were watching fatal attraction murder mystery on tv and i would have asked him but he left to go talk to my mom). anyway, once my friend marcus said the bags out and we realized a couple of seconds later that he meant to say the cats out of the bag and we thought the bags out was probably better anyway and so we decided to say that instead. which is perfect for me because i have never been able to quote a damn thing right my entire life.

and in my life the bag is usually out.

my dad is loving this fatal attraction. he can barely decide if he wants to watch it or the jazz game more. i do feel bad for this lady. the guy keeps stealing her underwear. i mean how annoying is that. i hate buying new underwear. the lady didnt show up for work. george is getting more and more nervous. as he should be because that lady totally died.

my parents have pretty good conversations for people who have no real communication skills.

here was the last conversation:

g: natali is watching this murder mystery show (he thinks if he wants to watch it my mom wont let him)

c: i like murder mysteries (enthusiastically)

g: not this one because i like it and you dont like the murder mysteries i like (i dont think that was fair because my mom really does like murder mysteries)

c: i have diabetes, gout and high blood pressure. is there anything else i should have? (she doesnt have any of those things)

i tuned out here. mostly because this murder mystery is getting pretty good. the jazz game is out and fatal attraction is in.

ipod paralysis

i have been trying to buy an ipod for 2 years. and i really want one. breena once told me when you get an ipod you dont need friends. which kind of makes me think they might be some kind of drug which could be good for me since i dont have insurance and i get sad around this time of year. anyway, i have never been able to decide on which one to get. i mean seriously. how the hell do i make this kind of decision. i dont know how much music i want or what size is best or if i want to watch videos or save pictures or if i should get it to match my room or if i should buy it on ebay or just get it from apple. my 21 year old said that if i buy an ipod with 8 gigs then i am buying emotion and i dont even know what that means.

its ipod paralysis. and i have it bad.

today i am leaning towards the shuffle. i dont know its small and i can wear it to yoga so i dont have to listen to that shitty music they insist on playing which is some mix between nature sounds and bob marley. i dont know. those are my current thoughts. i am currently taking suggestions on this topic...

hottub ramblings

ok this is why i really like my mac. photobooth. friday night we went to go sushi which has the yummiest squid seaweed salad i have ever had. me and alma and the waitress think they might put crack in it because that would explain the cravings. and then we rented akeelah and the bee but we didnt watch it. instead we sat around and took pictures of ourselves on the mac. heidi has been practicing pouty lips. but so far all she has mastered is looking off into the distance. but that one can be pretty hard. anyway that was my favorite part of the night.

after that we went hottubbing with some boys that are 22 and 23. they were ok. i liked the 23 year old best because he wanted to play a hottub game and i love those. i dont know why. i usually hate games. but anyway what i am nervous about is my age defining me. i have been nervous about that for awhile. i am still working through my thoughts on this. the twenty two year old in the hottub said that age didnt mean anything and it was all about your focus in life (he asked me if i looked forward to having kids and playing with them and i said no and he said my stock went down. i lack the right focus) but i disagreed and said age meant everything but then said i didnt want to be defined by it. which seems contradictory. i attribute his narrow mindedness and black and white judgments on values to his age. so why cant he attribute the fact that i am moderately scared of having children and think about career stuff and my mild dissatisfaction with the world to my age. anyway. i guess what i decided in the end is that your experiences define you more than anything else. and with age you just have more. so in a way age defines you. but not in a way that i think everyone else thinks. is that right? because some people can have relatively the same experiences over and over and in the end not be changed by age. maybe that is impossible. i dont know.

also i dont think interests define you. which is why i have stopped answering those questions to a large degree. my friend will is 21 and he told me my favorite movie would determine if we have a future (we dont but its not because of a movie). anyway the problem i find with trying to define people by their interests and dislikes is i dont get what it says about people anymore or anyway. like if i say dumb and dumber is my favorite movie and i hate camping what does that mean? i dont think it means anything. but apparently its enough for some people to determine our eternal compatibility. anyway i am mostly just worried about my age defining me in ways that i didnt anticipate and probably dont accept. its like the lawyer thing. i hate when people find out what i do because i feel like it has little to nothing to do with who i am but in the end it dictates the approach to every conversation i have with people and majority of the assumptions they have about me.

i have always wanted to die around 77 which is why this article makes me kind of nervous. i believe the speculations of that little old asian man. they made fire works like forever before everyone else. they KNOW stuff.

cookie bouquets continued...

you know what is an appropriate sweet sixteen present? this cookie bouquet. you know what isnt appropriate? any of the things they do on MTV's sweet sixteen birthday party show. i think my faith in humanity might be permanently shaken from viewing this particular MTV program (real world and next are so contrived and made for consumption that its harmless) but there are really people that are that have really expensive parties for their real sweet sixteen party. here is the deal. people say they are scared of the world when they watch the news and they realize all the crime and war and problems and meanness and anger that goes on. but i think what is more scary is my sweet sixteen party. i watch that show and i think if i was poor and my family was starving to death and i was watching my sweet sixteen party and a family spent twice as much on invitations for some lame ass party than my family made in an entire year i would probably consider armed robbery. thats why i think sweet sixteen is the most offensive show on tv and encourages crime. i dont think children should be allowed to watch it. it should come with one of those adult ratings.

and thats why i get pretty sad when my sweet sixteen party is on and not maui fever.

why i want to be mexican part II

oh yeah i forgot about mexican vanilla. that is the best and probably real reason i want to live in or visit mexico.

oh and i talked to a guy who wanted to interview me for a job yesterday. he told me he wanted to know about my marriage and family goals. even when its illegal people cant stop asking me.

delicious sugar cookie bustiers

i spent a lot of time (24 minutes) today trying to figure out what is the best thing about valentines day. this is what i came up with

1) not flowers (environmental issues coupled with allergies)
2) not diamonds (human rights issues coupled with i hate those damn commercials)
3) not dinner (who wants to wait that long?)
4) not boyfriends (that can get weird fast)
5) sugar cookies

sugar cookies! i love those. so you can imagine that it was a valentines day miracle when someone accidentally delivered one of those cookie bouquets to my office. yes i took home a cookie bouquet to Tom from Lindsey. i dont think that makes me a bad person. those things have a short self life. so what kind of delicious valentines cookies did i take home...lingerie ones. what you say? not hearts or butterflies or maybe bunnies? yeah the cookies were decorated in such a way to resemble lingerie. can you sexualize the sugar cookie? can a heart really be wearing a teddy? am i sort of offended? are you trying to turn on your significant other with a cookie bouquet? cookies?

i thought maybe i was overreacting to the lingerie sugar cookie so i took a poll to see how weird people ranked sugar cookies decorated to look like lingerie on a scale from one to ten. here were the results:

brian 7 or 8
todd 9
colleen 5-6
arlo 6 (unless its a coworker who stares at you and breathes funny then its a 8)
samantha 11
jacob 7
and me 8.5

so i guess sugar cookies arent as sexy as you might (but probably didnt) think.

why i want to be mexican

here is the deal with being older single and mormon, your single status is the only thing people want to talk about. ever. sometimes i want to discuss the weather or celebrity gossip but i cant change the topic away from my unmarried state long enough to find out if it is going to snow or if seth and summer broke up for reals.

as far as i can tell my single status is the most fascinating thing to the following groups of people: family, friends, co-workers, people in my ward, the IRS, people in my parents ward, acquaintances, anyone that is in any ward anywhere, my hairdresser, people i am on dates with and strangers. the conversation no longer is who are you dating oh that is fun. its more like. what the hell is wrong with you? lets discuss. in detail. all the time. at first i thought i could get away from it all somehow. these were my options as i saw them:

1) runway to mexico (the problem i see with this is mexicans are always asking me if i have a novio(and after working in a mexican restaurant i know what that means. that and queso) so this is probably not a solution)

2) start going to really loud concerts until i develop serious hearing damage (we are talking miracle ear here) (the problem with this is people say the word marriage to me so much that i am afraid i would be able to lip read)

dont get me wrong. i like to talk about dating and relationships and love and whatever and i often like to talk about these things as they relate to me. but sometimes i also like to talk about mtv programming, books i hate, how i still secretly think i might get ebola, etc. and then i realized no wonder people just want to talk about my dating status, ebola? (seriously can i get it? this is why i shouldnt watch documentaries).

anyway i am trying to take more responsibility for what i previously thought was everyone elses morbid fascination with my non married status. turns out i am just boring.

OCD update

i have had a pretty moderate to severe case of OCD since i graduated from high school. it only involves hands. i cant get over the fact i think they are germ infested. i dont like them (including my own) anywhere near my mouth or food. which doesnt make me a germ freak people. please i dont care if you drink from my straw or use my toothbrush. just dont touch my food dammit.

shane suggested that for the new years i stop being OCD. mostly he didnt want to move from the bench and let me out so i could wash my hands. shane can be so sensitive. anyway, something magical must have happened that day because my OCD is really clearing up (i am sort of implying shane might have magical powers, but i dont think he knows about them). i can eat things i touch like 30% of the time (this is seriously such an improvement but the 0% of the time i used to deal with) and i let bean put his fingers in my mouth. it is easier for me to go to places where i have to watch people make my food and touch it at the same time. i let my mom butter my muffin. yeah these are some pretty amazing break throughs. i wouldnt be surprised if some science journal publishes about it pretty soon.

i hope they call bean on a mission

little beanie is practicing for the picture for his plaque with this shot displaying how reverent he can be. although he can't preach yet (mostly because he can't talk), his mission is already being anticipated by rose's relief society teacher. she asked rose to bring bean to RS and as a lesson aid to sing to him "I hope they call you on a mission" as though it is a lullaby. so i went because i thought hey that sounds pretty funny, how will rose keep a straight face, what will bean do and how cheesy is that? but rose sang like an all star. and it brought tears to many an eye. testimonies were born about how touching it was. and truth be told i thought it was kind of sweet. next time i teach RS i think i will ask rose and bean to perform. oh and i dont teach RS so that probably wont happen.